You ever wonder why people put you down? It’s annoying, right? You’re just going about your day, minding your own business, when someone makes a comment meant to make you feel small. Why do they do that? Well, there are a few common reasons. Sometimes it’s because they’re insecure or having a bad day themselves. Other times, it might be because they see you as competition or a threat in some way. Of course, some people are just jerks who get a kick out of putting others down to feel superior.
Whatever the reason, getting put down is never fun. But you don’t have to take it personally or let it get to you. Understanding what motivates the put-downs can help you deal with them better and not let them ruin your day.
Table of Contents
Understanding Why People Put Others Down
People often put others down for reasons that have nothing to do with the target of their scorn. Their hurtful words say more about them and their own insecurities or unhappiness. Here are some of the main reasons why people resort to putting others down:
Low self-esteem. When people feel bad about themselves, putting others down can temporarily make them feel better by comparison. Tearing others apart helps them avoid facing their own perceived flaws or inadequacies.
Jealousy. Seeing others succeed or be happy stirs up jealous feelings in some. Instead of bettering themselves, they try to undermine the confidence and happiness of others who have what they want.
Lack of control. By putting others in a “lesser” position, people gain a false sense of power or authority over them. Belittling others makes them feel more in control, even if just for a moment.
Habit. For some, putting others down has become second nature. They grew up in an environment where criticism and hurtful teasing were common, so they repeat the same behavior, often without realizing the impact.
Projection. People tend to dislike in others what they dislike in themselves. When someone puts you down for a perceived fault or flaw, it may be because they are projecting their own self-hatred onto you. Their insults say everything about them and nothing about you.
The reasons people put others down are rarely justified and are usually the result of their own personal struggles or unhappiness. Do not let their words define you. Rise above their pettiness and continue being your amazing self. Their cruelty only reflects their own pain, not your worth or value. You deserve to be surrounded by people who appreciate you for who you are.
The Psychology Behind Putting Others Down
Unfortunately, some people derive a sense of power or control from putting others down. Their behavior says more about their own insecurities and weaknesses than about you. Understanding the psychology behind their actions can help prevent you from internalizing their hurtful words.
People with low self-esteem often criticize others to make themselves feel superior or mask their own perceived flaws and shortcomings. Tearing you down becomes a way for them to build themselves up in their minds. Try not to engage or argue with them, as this will likely only make the situation worse.
Those who lack control or agency in their own lives frequently try to exert control over others through manipulation and bullying. Putting you in what they see as “your place” below them gives them a false sense of power and authority. Do not give them that power by allowing their words to affect how you view yourself.
Projection The things people criticize most in others are usually the things they struggle with themselves. Their hurtful comments say more about their own self-loathing, insecurities, and imperfections than about you. Try to recognize their hostility for what it is: a projection of their own negative self-perception. Do not accept their projection as the truth.
Envy Some individuals become resentful of others’ success, talent, happiness, or possessions. Tearing you down is their attempt to make themselves feel better in the face of what they lack. Understand that their envy comes from a place of inadequacy, not because there is anything wrong with you or what you have achieved.
Do not let the psychology behind their actions become an excuse for poor behavior. However, gaining insight into the motivations behind putting others down can help prevent you from internalizing their toxicity. Recognize their hostility for what it is, do not engage, and do not give them power over you. You deserve to surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are.
Common Reasons Why Do People Put You Down
Unfortunately, some individuals resort to put-downs and insults as a way to make themselves feel superior. There are a few common reasons why people put others down:
Insecurity Often, people who put others down are struggling with their own insecurities and low self-esteem. By criticizing and insulting others, they feel more powerful and important in the moment. However, deep down, they likely feel inadequate in some way.
Jealousy Jealousy and envy can drive people to put you down. If they see you achieving and succeeding in ways they wish they could, tearing you down may seem like an easy way to make themselves feel better. Your accomplishments highlight their own perceived shortcomings and failures.
Lack of Empathy Some people simply lack empathy and compassion for others. They don’t consider how their hurtful words might affect you, or they just don’t care. Putting people down comes easily to them without remorse. These individuals usually have an overly inflated sense of self and lack consideration for others.
Habitual Behavior For some, putting others down has become such an ingrained habit that they do it without thinking. As children, they may have grown up in an environment where criticism and hurtful teasing were commonplace. They learned this behavior and continued the cycle as adults without recognizing the harm.
The reasons behind put-downs say more about the person dishing them out than you. Do your best not to internalize their insults. Recognize that their behavior stems from their own issues, and work on surrounding yourself with people who treat you with kindness and respect. You deserve that.
1. Insecurity – Putting Others Down to Feel Better
Unfortunately, some people deal with their own insecurities by putting others down. When someone insults or criticizes you, it often says more about them than it does about you. Rather than addressing their own self-doubts and weaknesses, it’s easier for them to project those feelings onto others.
- Lack of self-confidence. Those who frequently put down others usually lack confidence in themselves. Tearing someone else down makes them feel more powerful and in control.
- Jealousy. The person may envy something about you-your success, personality, relationships, appearance, talents, etc. Belittling you helps them feel better about what they perceive as lacking in themselves.
- Poor self-esteem. Individuals with low self-esteem rely on external validation to feel good about themselves. Pointing out perceived flaws in others becomes a way for them to feel superior.
- Insecurity. An insecure person feels threatened by the success or attributes of others. Criticizing and cutting others down helps them feel more secure in themselves by eliminating the threat.
The reasons why others put you down say a lot more about their own struggles and shortcomings. Do not let their insults and criticism define you or make you question your own worth. Their behavior is a reflection of their own pain, low self-esteem, and inner turmoil. Rise above their negativity. Do not engage or stoop to their level. Respond with empathy, compassion, and positivity. Say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or remain silent. Do not give their words power over you. Know your own strengths, values, and self-worth. Do not let the insecurities and jealousy of others diminish your light. Ultimately, you alone determine your value.
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2. Lack of Empathy – Not Considering Others’ Feelings
When someone puts you down or acts cruel towards you, it is often due to a lack of empathy on their part. They fail to consider how their words or actions might affect you emotionally. Some reasons for their lack of empathy include:
- Insecurity. Bullies often put others down to make themselves feel more powerful or in control. By making you feel small, they feel bigger in comparison. Their cruelty comes from a place of deep self-doubt and inadequacy.
- Difficult life experiences. Those who have faced a lot of hardship, abuse, or neglect in their own lives may have trouble empathizing with others. Their capacity for compassion has been worn down over time. While this doesn’t excuse their behavior, it provides some context.
- Lack of emotional intelligence. Some people simply lack the ability to understand emotions, share emotional experiences, and express empathy for what others are feeling. They can’t seem to “put themselves in your shoes.” This deficit makes it difficult for them to realize or care about the impact of their actions.
- Different values. In some cases, bullies operate under a different set of values that allows for cruelty. They may believe that showing empathy or kindness is a sign of weakness. Their way of putting others down is a misguided attempt to display their own strength or superiority.
The reasons why people lack empathy or put others down are complex. While their behavior is unacceptable, it often says more about them and their own struggles or shortcomings than about you. You cannot control their actions; you can only choose how you respond to them. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who treat you with compassion and kindness. Do not let the cruelty of others diminish your own ability to show empathy.
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3. Childhood Experiences – Learning Negative Behaviors
Many people learn negative behaviors as children that cause them to put others down as adults. When you were a kid, how did the adults in your life handle anger, frustration or strong emotions? If yelling, criticism and aggression were common responses, you may have internalized those behaviors as normal ways to interact with others.
- Harsh or abusive parents, caregivers or authority figures often damage a child’s self- esteem. To feel better about themselves, these children may adopt a superior attitude and criticize others. They are imitating the behaviors they grew up with.
- Children who are frequently put down, teased or bullied can become “mean kids” themselves. It’s a way to displace their hurt and insecurity onto easier targets. They are perpetuating a cycle of abuse that was inflicted on them.
- Lack of emotional support or affection in childhood can hinder the development of empathy. Without learning to consider other people’s feelings, it’s difficult to understand the impact of your words. Putting others down becomes an acceptable form of interaction.
- Unrealistic expectations from parents and not receiving praise or validation for accomplishments may lead a child to become overly critical of others’ perceived faults or weaknesses. They are projecting the unreasonable standards they were held to onto other people.
- Feeling powerless as a child often manifests as a desire to exert control over others as an adult. Criticizing and belittling people can give the illusion of being in control or superior in some way. But it’s a false sense of power built on putting others down.
The good news is that these behaviors can be unlearned by developing insight into their root causes, building self-esteem through real accomplishments, learning empathy, and adopting new communication styles built on mutual respect. Recognizing that hurt people often hurt other people can help foster compassion for both the victims and perpetrators of put-downs. The cycle can end, starting with you.
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4. Competitiveness: Viewing Life as Zero-Sum
Unfortunately, some people view life as a zero-sum game – where there are winners and losers. They believe that the only way for them to succeed is by making others lose or fail in comparison. This competitive mindset causes them to put others down to make themselves feel better.
Rather than building others up, competitive people feel the need to dominate and prove they are superior. They don’t celebrate the wins and successes of people around them. Instead, they point out flaws and mistakes to knock others down a peg. Competitive individuals constantly compare themselves to others in a way that makes them feel inadequate or like a failure if someone else does better. The only way to overcome these feelings is by criticizing and demeaning others.
Competitive people often struggle with jealousy and envy. They resent the happiness and good fortune of others rather than being able to share in it. Your accomplishments and talents threaten them in some way. So they resort to hurtful behavior like insults, sarcasm, and passive aggression to undermine you and dull your shine. Don’t let their competitiveness and cruelty get you down. Their actions say more about their own insecurities than they do about you.
You can’t control how competitive people act; you can only control your reaction. Don’t engage or stoop to their level. Remain confident in yourself, and continue to support those around you. Ultimately, competitive individuals isolate themselves as others grow tired of the drama and negativity. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who share your positive mindset—those who build others up rather than put them down.
5. Frustration and Anger – Using Others as Emotional Punching Bags
When people feel frustrated or angry, they often lash out at those closest to them. Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone’s rage or irritation just because you were there? Unfortunately, many individuals use others as emotional punching bags to release pent-up negative feelings.
- Misdirected anger. Their anger has nothing to do with you, you just happen to be an easy target. The other person is displacing their feelings onto you. They may be upset with their boss, spouse, or circumstances but you become the scapegoat.
- Lack of control. They feel out of control in some areas of their lives, and putting you down makes them feel powerful again. Tearing others down to build themselves up is a toxic coping mechanism.
- Insecurity. Deep down, the individual putting you down feels worthless or inferior, so they project those feelings onto you. Their insults say more about their self-loathing than your actual flaws or shortcomings.
- Unresolved issues. There may be underlying relationship issues or past hurts that were never addressed. Anger and resentment have built up over time, and any little annoyance becomes an opportunity to attack.
The reasons don’t excuse the behavior, but they may help you understand that it’s not about you. You don’t deserve to be anyone’s emotional punching bag. The healthiest thing you can do is:
- Stay calm, and do not engage in or escalate the situation. React with empathy and detachment.
- Set clear boundaries and stand up for yourself. Let the other person know their behavior is unacceptable.
- Limit contact with repeat offenders when possible. You can’t control their issues and you don’t need the toxicity.
- Focus on surrounding yourself with people who treat you with kindness and respect. Don’t let anyone diminish your self-worth.
You deserve to feel good about yourself without relying on the approval or put-downs of others. Don’t give people permission to use you as an emotional punching bag. Maintain your power and peace of mind.
6. Ignorance – Not Understanding the Impact of Words
Words have power and the ability to uplift or tear down. Unfortunately, some people put others down out of ignorance or thoughtlessness, not realizing the impact their words can have.
When someone insults or criticizes you, it’s usually due to their own insecurities, unhappiness or jealousy. Their put-downs say more about them than about you. But that doesn’t make their words any less hurtful. Some common reasons people put others down out of ignorance include:
- Lack of empathy. They don’t consider how their words might affect the other person or make them feel. They lack the ability to see things from another’s perspective.
- Insecurity. By putting you down, they feel better about themselves. They build themselves up by tearing others down.
- Jealousy. Your success or qualities highlight their own perceived shortcomings or failures, so they lash out in an attempt to diminish you.
- Competitiveness. Some people view all interactions as competitions, so they resort to put-downs and insults to gain the upper hand.
- Unhappiness. Hurt people hurt people. Their own pain, anger or frustration get directed outward in unhealthy ways.
The good news is, you don’t have to let their words define you. Do not engage or argue with them, as this will likely only make the situation worse. Remain calm and detached, and remember that their insults say more about them. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who appreciate you and treat you with kindness and respect. Do not waste time or energy on those who do not.
Rise above their ignorance and hurtful words. Do not stoop to their level. With compassion for their suffering and forgiveness for their cruelty, wish them peace in your heart as you move on to better things. Their put-downs have no power over you. You know the truth.
The Impact of Being on the Receiving End
Being the target of someone else’s cruelty or criticism can be emotionally devastating. It leaves you feeling dejected, inadequate, and insecure, and unfortunately, the effects tend to linger.
- Damage to self-esteem. When others put you down, it chips away at your self-worth and confidence. Their harsh words echo in your mind, making you question your abilities and value. Over time, these put-downs can significantly erode your self-esteem if you internalize them.
- Feeling isolated and alone. Being the object of ridicule creates a sense of isolation. It can seem like the whole world is against you, even if it’s just one or a few individuals directing their negativity your way. This isolation often causes anxiety, depression, and a desire to withdraw from social interaction.
- Difficulty trusting others. Having people belittle or betray you through their cruelty impacts your ability to trust. You become wary, suspecting that others may also hurt or take advantage of you. Building close relationships requires vulnerability, which is hard to embrace when you’ve been so deeply wounded before.
- Anger and resentment. It’s normal to feel angry towards those who have hurt you, yet holding onto resentment and bitterness will only make you feel worse. While anger is a natural reaction, try to find healthy ways of releasing it so you can make peace with what happened and move forward. Forgiving others can be an important part of healing.
The effects of being put down run deep, but the good news is that you have the power to overcome them. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who appreciate you, engage in self-care, challenge negative self-talk, and work to rebuild your confidence from the inside out. In time, the voices of others will fade, and you will rise above their harmful words.
How to Handle Being Put Down
When people put you down, it can really hurt. Their words cut deep, making you question your worth and abilities. But you can’t control what others say-you can only control your reaction. Here are some tips for handling being put down:
Don’t internalize their criticism. Just because someone says something critical about you doesn’t make it true. Their put-downs say more about them than about you. Do not take their harsh judgments to heart or let their words define you.
Stay calm and composed. Do not get emotional or lash out in anger. Respond in a measured, dignified manner. Say something like “I see you have that opinion” or “We will have to agree to disagree.” Do not engage or argue. Remain detached from their hostility.
Focus on your strengths. Do not dwell on their negative comments. Instead, shift your mind to your talents, skills, values, and accomplishments. Remind yourself of your inherent self-worth. Do not let their put-downs make you doubt yourself.
Set boundaries if needed. If the person continues to frequently put you down, you may need to limit contact with them when possible. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life. Politely but firmly tell them their behavior is unacceptable, and you will not engage if they continue to insult or criticize you.
Surround yourself with supporters. Spend time with people who appreciate you and speak to you with kindness and respect. Their positivity can help offset the impact of the put-downs and remind you of your true value.
Do not put others down in return. Take the high road. Do not stoop to their level by personally attacking or insulting them back. Respond with empathy, compassion, and wisdom. Be the kind of person you want to see in the world!
Final Thought
Sometimes, people may put you down because they feel insecure or unhappy about themselves. They may try to make themselves feel better by criticizing or belittling others. This is a form of bullying, and it is not acceptable. Other times, people may put you down because they disagree with your opinions, choices, or actions. They may think that they know better than you or that they have the right to judge you. This is a form of disrespect, and it is not constructive. In either case, you should not let the negative comments affect your self-esteem or your decisions.
You have the right to be yourself and to pursue your goals without being put down by others. You can also try to communicate with the person who is putting you down and explain how their words make you feel. You may be able to resolve the conflict or at least agree to disagree. However, if the person continues to put you down or becomes abusive, you should distance yourself from them and seek support from people who respect and appreciate you.
References
- Work and Life: The End of the Zero-Sum Game by Stewart D. Friedman,Perry Christensen,Jessica DeGroot
- Understanding Relationships With People Who Put Others Down: Psychology Of Bullying by Regain Editorial Team
- PERSONAL IMPACT – WHAT’S IT LIKE TO BE ON THE RECEIVING END OF YOU?
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