Have you ever felt like you constantly needed validation and praise from others to feel good about yourself? Do you have a hard time empathizing with people and feel jealous when others succeed? If so, you may exhibit traits of a covert narcissist. I should know—I struggled with this for years. As a recovering covert narcissist, I want to share what I’ve learned to help others break free from this unhealthy pattern of thinking.
It’s not easy, but with conscious effort and practice, you can overcome covert narcissism and build healthier relationships. The first step is awareness; you have to recognize the signs in yourself. From there, it’s about changing behaviors, managing emotions, and learning empathy. I’ll share what’s worked for me, but you have to do the work. Breaking free from covert narcissism is challenging, but so worth it. Join me—together, we’ve got this!
Table of Contents
Signs You May Be a Covert Narcissist
I hate to admit it, but looking back, I exhibited some telltale signs. Like constantly needing praise and admiration. I was overly concerned with how I appeared to others and obsessed with achieving status and success. Deep down, my self-worth depended on what other people thought of me. I craved compliments and validation. When I didn’t get enough, I felt empty and insecure.
I also had trouble accepting criticism. Any feedback that implied I wasn’t perfect felt like a crushing blow to my ego. I would get defensive and blame others instead of looking inward.
The truth is, I cared more about looking good than actually being good. I put loads of energy into maintaining a charming and accomplished image to hide my fragile self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy.
It was exhausting, but I was terrified to show any perceived weakness. If people saw the real me, they might not like what they saw. I realize now that that was the root of the problem. I didn’t like myself. The only way to overcome covert narcissism is by building genuine self-confidence from the inside out.
How to Stop Being a Covert Narcissist
A covert narcissist is someone who has an inflated sense of self-importance but hides it behind a facade of humility, insecurity, or altruism. They may appear to be shy, vulnerable, or caring, but in reality, they are manipulative, selfish, and lack empathy. Covert narcissists often seek validation, admiration, and sympathy from others while secretly feeling superior and entitled. They may also envy or resent those who have what they want and undermine or sabotage them covertly.
If you suspect that you are a covert narcissist, or if someone has told you that you are one, you may want to change your behavior and mindset to become more authentic and respectful of others. Here are some steps that may help you to stop being a covert narcissist:
1. Understand Why People Become Covert Narcissists
As a covert narcissist, I struggle with low self-esteem and look for validation from others in unhealthy ways. I became this way due to childhood experiences that made me feel unworthy or unloved.
Lack of affection
As a child, my needs for affection and praise went unmet. My parents were distant or hypercritical. I learned the only way to get attention was through achievement, appearance, or caring for others.
Feeling flawed
Messages that I was somehow defective or unlovable were internalized. I felt intense shame and anxiety about exposing my perceived flaws or imperfections. The only way to feel OK was to seek admiration and approval from others.
To overcome covert narcissism, I must face these painful experiences from the past, work to build genuine self-confidence from the inside out, set boundaries, and learn to emotionally self-regulate. It’s a journey, but with conscious effort, I can transform into a person with compassion for myself and others. The rewards of overcoming narcissism and learning to love myself will be well worth the effort.
2. Learning Empathy and Perspective-Taking
Learning to see things from other people’s perspectives and show empathy is key to overcoming covert narcissism.
As a covert narcissist, I struggle with seeing beyond my own interests and views. To develop empathy, I have to make a conscious effort to understand how others experience the world. Some things I’m working on
- Listening without judgment and giving my full attention. Asking open-ended questions to make sure I comprehend their experience and point of view.
- Putting myself in their shoes. Trying to see the situation from their angle and understand their motivations and feelings. This helps me gain insight into their perspectives and build compassion.
- Withholding criticism and unsolicited advice. My knee-jerk reaction is often to pass judgment or suggest “solutions.” But empathy requires accepting people as they are without trying to change them.
- admitting I don’t have all the answers. My narcissistic tendencies make me want to seem like the expert on everything. But cultivating empathy demands recognizing that every person’s experience is different and complex. I have to accept that there are many ways of looking at the world beyond my own.
Developing empathy and perspective-taking is challenging, but with conscious practice, I can overcome my self-absorption and connect with others in a meaningful way. The rewards of learning to see through the eyes of people around me makes the effort worthwhile.
3. Building Self-Esteem Without Ego
To build real self-esteem, I had to stop seeking external validation and approval. I worked on accepting myself as I am, flaws and all. Here are a few things that helped me:
Focus on my strengths.
Rather than obsessing over my perceived weaknesses and imperfections, I started appreciating my strengths, talents, and accomplishments. I acknowledged the things I’m good at and the value I provide to others. This helped me see myself in a more balanced and compassionate light.
Practice self-care
Exercising, eating healthy, engaging in hobbies, and nurturing relationships gave me a sense of worth from within. When I took good care of myself, I felt better about who I was. Self-care is essential for healthy self-esteem.
Stop people-pleasing
I stopped bending over backward to please everyone else at the expense of my own needs and happiness. I realized I couldn’t control what others thought of me, so I might as well accept myself. This was liberating and allowed my self-esteem to blossom.
Be kind to myself.
I learned to be my own best friend. I treated myself with the same compassion I would show a loved one. I practiced positive self-talk, patience, and forgiveness. Over time, I built a much healthier and more supportive relationship with myself.
Building self-esteem is a journey. By letting go of ego and approval-seeking and instead nurturing self-acceptance and self-compassion, I found an inner strength and confidence that no one can take away. With daily practice, you can get there too.
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4. Building Real Confidence and Self-Esteem
Building real confidence and self-esteem was crucial for me in overcoming my covert narcissism. I had to stop seeking validation through the approval and praise of others. Instead, I learned to appreciate myself for who I am, imperfections and all.
Developing self-compassion
I practiced self-compassion, being kind to myself rather than harshly self-critical. When I made a mistake, I told myself, “I’m only human,” instead of calling myself an idiot. Over time, self-compassion helped me accept myself as I was and boost my self-esteem from the inside out.
Setting small achievements
I set small, achievable goals and acknowledged my wins, however small. Completing a workout, trying a new recipe, or finishing a work task—all were chances to feel good about myself through my own efforts and progress. Celebrating small victories builds a sense of competence and self-reliance.
Accepting imperfections
A covert narcissist craves perfection and approval. I had to accept that I’m not perfect—no one is. My worth isn’t defined by productivity, achievements, or what others think of me. I’m deserving of love simply because I exist. This was incredibly liberating and allowed me to let go of unrealistic expectations of myself and others.
Building real confidence is an ongoing journey. But with self-compassion, achievable goals, and accepting my imperfections, I’ve found an inner strength and contentment that no amount of external validation could provide. I don’t need the praise and admiration of others to feel good about myself. My self-worth comes from within.
5. Moving from Manipulation to Authenticity
As a covert narcissist, I’ve spent years manipulating situations and people to get my needs met in secretive ways. It’s time to shed the facade and start building authentic relationships based on honesty and trust.
Stop lying and exaggerating.
I have to quit embellishing stories and lying to make myself seem more important or interesting. People will appreciate me for who I really am—flaws and all. Coming clean about past lies and being transparent going forward is the only way to establish real intimacy in my relationships.
Listen to others.
Instead of controlling conversations and steering them back to me, I need to start listening to others and showing interest in their lives. Asking follow-up questions and remembering details about their stories will help build closeness. Valuing others’ experiences and input is key.
Accept constructive criticism.
Criticism, even when delivered compassionately, has always felt like a personal attack. But to grow as a person, I must learn to accept feedback without defensiveness. The people who care about me most are just trying to help me become a better friend, partner, and person. Saying “thank you for the feedback” and taking time to reflect on it will help me improve.
The path to authenticity is challenging but rewarding. By dropping the act, embracing vulnerability, and making real connections with others, I can finally start to feel good about the person in the mirror—inconsistencies and all. True intimacy begins when manipulation ends. The real me is enough.
6. Finding Fulfillment Beyond Validation
To stop seeking validation from others, I had to learn to validate myself. For years, I relied on the praise, approval, and admiration of friends, family, and coworkers to feel good about myself. If I didn’t get that external validation, my self-esteem would plummet.
Finding self-fulfillment
I realized this was an unhealthy way to live and that true confidence comes from within. I made a conscious effort to pursue my own interests and engage in hobbies that I found personally fulfilling. When I did things that I enjoyed and were good at, I felt a sense of achievement and pride in my abilities. Over time, as I improved and mastered skills, my self-confidence grew. I didn’t need the validation of others because I knew what I was capable of.
Engaging in self-care and self-improvement has been key. Exercise, eating healthy, reading, and practicing mindfulness have all helped me become comfortable with who I am. The more I’ve learned about myself, the less I’ve needed validation from external sources. I’ve found that fulfillment comes from nurturing my physical and mental well-being, following my passions, and embracing life’s journey of constant progress and growth.
Letting go of covert narcissism has been a liberating experience. I no longer rely on what others think of me to determine my own self-worth. By pursuing my own fulfillment and nurturing self-confidence from within, I’ve found an inner peace that no amount of external validation could provide.
7. Therapy and Support Groups for Narcissists
Therapy and support groups are essential for recovering narcissists. Speaking with a mental health professional who understands narcissistic personality disorder can help you work through what causes your narcissistic tendencies and give you strategies to build healthier relationships.
I started seeing a therapist who specializes in personality disorders a few months ago. At first, I was hesitant to open up or admit I even had a problem. But my therapist was patient and helped me recognize the roots of my narcissism, which came from emotional neglect in childhood. Through counseling, I’ve learned how to empathize better with others, accept criticism in a balanced way, and not crave constant admiration or praise to feel good about myself.
Support groups are also helpful. I’ve joined a few online communities for narcissists in recovery. Talking to others struggling with similar issues helps combat feelings of isolation. We share experiences, call each other out on unhealthy behaviors, and encourage progress. I always leave feeling inspired and accountable. The support from people who really understand what I’m going through has been invaluable.
If you’re ready to make a change, don’t try to do it alone. Speaking with a professional therapist and connecting with fellow narcissists in recovery can help you better understand yourself, build self-esteem independent of what others think about you, and cultivate empathy and meaningful relationships. The journey isn’t easy, but with the right help and motivation, you can overcome narcissistic tendencies and become your best self.
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8. Setting Healthy Boundaries
Setting boundaries is one of the hardest but most important steps to overcoming covert narcissism. For so long, I put the needs of others before my own to gain their approval and validation. Now, I have to learn that it’s okay to say “no.”
It’s difficult, but I’m working on being more assertive and communicating my limits clearly. I start by identifying situations where I typically feel taken advantage of or unable to speak up for myself. Then, I practice saying phrases like “I can’t commit to that right now” or “That doesn’t work for me.” It feels unnatural at first, but with regular practice, it gets easier.
I also try to recognize the signs when people are crossing my boundaries, like if someone constantly cancels plans or makes unreasonable demands on my time. Don’t be afraid to call them out on their behavior. You deserve to be around people who treat you with respect.
The key is learning not to feel guilty about putting your own needs first. You can’t control how others react; you can only communicate your limits. Start small by being assertive in lower-risk situations. Build up your confidence over time through regular practice.
Remember, you don’t need the approval of others to feel good about yourself. Focus on surrounding yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are—boundaries and all. Learn to value yourself, and don’t be afraid to walk away from those who don’t. Setting healthy boundaries is how you overcome covert narcissism and build self-esteem from within.
Why it’s Important to Stop Narcissistic Behaviors
Recognizing your covert narcissistic behaviors is the first step to making a change. As hard as it may be, looking inward and acknowledging how your actions affect others is crucial.
Why stop the narcissism?
Simply put, narcissistic behaviors are damaging—to yourself and to those around you. Constantly seeking validation and approval from others is exhausting. Your self-worth becomes dependent on what others think of you rather than your own self-acceptance.
Covert narcissism also harms your relationships. Your need for control and admiration pushes people away or turns them into objects that feed your ego. Loved ones feel manipulated, lied to, and disrespected. They deserve genuine connections built on trust, honesty, and mutual care.
Stopping narcissistic tendencies won’t happen overnight. But making the effort to understand how your behaviors impact others and choosing empathy over ego can transform your life for the better. Focus on listening without judgment, accepting yourself, and appreciating others for who they are, not what they can do for you. Break the cycle of narcissism by giving the love and respect you seek to the people who matter most.
Conclusion
I’ve come a long way in recognizing how my covert narcissism has impacted my relationships and life. It’s been a journey of facing hard truths about myself, taking responsibility for my actions, and making real changes. But it’s been worth it. I feel more at peace with myself and less needy for validation from others. My relationships have become more authentic and meaningful. There are still moments where those old patterns creep in, but now I have the awareness and tools to course-correct.
If you see yourself in any part of this, know that you too can overcome covert narcissism. It starts with honesty, humility, and a commitment to personal growth. You owe it to yourself and the people in your life to do the work. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. And the rewards are life-changing. This is your invitation; are you ready to accept it?
References
- Signs of covert narcissism By Aaron Kandola
- What Is A Covert Narcissist? By Becca Stanek from Forbes health
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