Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling invisible, drained, or quietly disrespected—but couldn’t quite put your finger on why? It’s possible you were dealing with someone inconsiderate.
Inconsiderate people don’t always come wrapped in loud rudeness or obvious arrogance. Often, their behavior is subtle, hidden behind charm, humor, or “busy schedules.” But make no mistake: their actions (or inactions) leave behind emotional footprints. And over time, those footprints can trample your peace of mind, boundaries, and self-worth.
Psychologically speaking, inconsiderate behavior often stems from a lack of emotional intelligence, deep-rooted insecurity, or an inflated sense of self-importance. Sometimes it’s all three. These people aren’t always malicious, but their inability (or unwillingness) to consider the needs, feelings, or time of others can be just as harmful as outright cruelty.
This isn’t a call-out post. It’s a call-to-awareness.
In this article, we’ll go deeper than the surface-level signs. I’ll walk you through 10 psychologically informed red flags of inconsiderate people—how they show up in real life, why they happen, and most importantly, how you can protect yourself without losing your kindness or peace.
Let’s begin.
Table of Contents
1. They Make Everything About Themselves
You’re talking about your long, exhausting week, and before you can even finish your sentence, they’ve hijacked the conversation with a story about their own “even worse” experience. You mention a small success, and suddenly they’re telling you about how they did something twice as impressive. Sound familiar?
This kind of person isn’t just self-centered—they’re emotionally unavailable when it’s not about them. It’s not always malicious; in many cases, they genuinely lack the awareness or empathy to realize they’re doing it. But that doesn’t make it easier to deal with.
People who dominate conversations like this often aren’t confident—they’re insecure. They might use their stories as a way to control the conversation because deep down, they fear being irrelevant, unseen, or not “good enough.” But instead of creating a connection, they bulldoze it.
Why It’s Draining:
Over time, this dynamic chips away at your self-worth. It creates a one-way relationship where your emotional needs are never met, and your voice slowly fades into the background. Even if you’re someone who doesn’t demand the spotlight, you still deserve space to share your thoughts and be heard.
How to Handle It (Realistically):
You don’t need to explode or stage an intervention. Sometimes, it’s as simple as saying:
“Hey, I really needed to get that off my chest. Can I just finish my thought before we switch topics?”
You’ll find out quickly whether they’re inconsiderate or just unaware. If they respond defensively or do it again five minutes later, that’s your clue—they’re not just unaware; they’re uninterested in making space for you.
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In that case? It’s okay to share less with them. Not every relationship deserves front-row access to your inner world. Especially not the ones who make everything about themselves.
2. They Struggle to Empathize With Others
You open up about something personal—maybe you’re overwhelmed at work, grieving a loss, or just emotionally tired—and instead of support, you’re met with a shrug, an awkward subject change, or a rushed, “Well, we all have bad days.” It’s not just unhelpful. It stings.
This is what a lack of empathy looks like in the real world: not cruel, just cold. It’s the emotional equivalent of talking into a wall.
Why It’s Draining:
When someone can’t—or won’t—acknowledge your feelings, it creates emotional distance. You begin to second-guess your emotions. Worse, you might stop sharing altogether. After all, what’s the point in opening up if it leads to silence or dismissal?
The Psychological Truth:
Empathy is a core part of emotional intelligence. According to psychologist Daniel Goleman, people with low emotional intelligence often struggle to read social cues and respond to emotions appropriately, making them seem cold or disconnected even if that’s not their intention (Goleman, 1995).
In other cases, chronic empathy failure can point to more entrenched personality traits, like narcissistic tendencies or avoidant attachment styles. As psychiatrist Dr. Judith Orloff writes in The Empath’s Survival Guide, some people simply aren’t wired to handle emotional openness—they either shut down or deflect it to protect themselves (Orloff, 2017).
How to Handle It (Realistically):
It’s tempting to try to “teach” them empathy, but that rarely works. You can say something like:
“I’m not looking for advice or a fix. I just needed someone to listen for a minute.”
If they still brush it off or make it about themselves, take note: their emotional bandwidth may be permanently limited. In those cases, stop turning to them for a deep connection. Save your vulnerability for people who treat it with care, not contempt.
3. They Flake on Plans—and Somehow It’s Always Your Problem
Let’s be honest: life happens. People get sick. Schedules shift. Plans fall through. That’s normal. But when someone consistently cancels last minute, forgets commitments, or shows up late without apology, and expects you to just deal with it? That’s not life. That’s a pattern.
And patterns reveal character.
A Real-Life Snapshot:
You carve out time to meet them. You rearrange your day. Maybe you’re even looking forward to catching up. Then they text, “Sorry, can’t make it today. Something came up.” No offer to reschedule. No real explanation. Just “oops.”
One time? Okay. Three or more? You’re not a priority—you’re a placeholder.
What’s Really Going On:
People who do this habitually aren’t always evil—they’re just inconsiderate. Sometimes, it’s a sign of poor executive functioning (think ADHD or anxiety). Other times, it’s plain entitlement. They believe their time matters more than yours.
Research from psychologist Dr. William Knaus shows that chronic lateness and flakiness often come from “low self-discipline Is Self-Discipline a Skill or an Innate Abilityand an overestimation of how much control they have over time,” but when it crosses into constant disregard for others’ time, it signals something deeper: a lack of respect for boundaries and shared space (Knaus, 2010).
So What Can You Do?
Stop cushioning the blow. Next time, don’t respond with “No worries.” Try this instead:
“I understand things come up, but I set time aside for this. Can we make a solid plan and stick to it next time?”
You’ll either get a sincere apology or another excuse. Either way, you’ll know where you stand.
People who respect your time are showing you they respect you. It’s that simple.
4. They’re Always “Too Busy” — But Somehow Never for Themselves
There’s a special kind of silence that stings. It’s the silence after your message is left on “read.” The unanswered calls. The postponed plans. The conversations that used to flow are now reduced to dry one-liners like, “Been hectic, sorry. Hope you’re well.”
They say they’re “just overwhelmed”—but you see them post stories, go out with other friends, attend events, and live their lives. And yet somehow, when it comes to you… radio silence.
Psychologist Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab calls this “inconsistent intimacy.” It’s when someone gives just enough to keep the relationship alive but not enough to truly nourish it. This imbalance leaves you wondering if you’re too sensitive, too needy, or if you’re just not that important (Tawwab, 2021).
The Quiet Hurt We Don’t Talk About:
Let’s be real—it hurts to feel like you’re always last on someone’s list. Not because you need constant attention, but because it reveals something you hoped wasn’t true: They show up when it benefits them. Not when it matters to you.
It’s not always calculated. Some people genuinely suck at balancing their lives. But others? They make time for what (and whom) they value. And their absence isn’t about being busy—it’s about priority.
And here’s the truth: You’re not too much. They’re giving too little.
What You Can Do:
Instead of chasing crumbs, pause and reflect: Am I asking for connection or begging for scraps? Then protect your peace accordingly. Stop texting first. Stop apologizing for your emotional needs.
The people who want to be in your life won’t just “make time”—they’ll protect it. For you.
5. They Make You Feel Like You’re “Too Much” for Having Normal Human Needs
You ask for clarity in a conversation, and they roll their eyes. You express that something hurt you, and they call you “too sensitive.” You speak up for yourself, and suddenly you’re the “dramatic” one. Sound familiar?
This is one of the most gaslighting behaviors inconsiderate people display: they make you feel guilty for simply expressing needs, emotions, or boundaries.
The Real Damage:
Over time, you stop speaking up. You convince yourself to “let it go” again and again. And eventually, you become a watered-down version of yourself just to keep the peace.
But that’s not peace. That’s self-abandonment.
Psychological Perspective:
This tactic—whether intentional or reflexive—is a form of emotional invalidation. According to Dr. Jonice Webb, emotional neglect doesn’t have to be loud or violent. It can be as simple as a sigh, a scoff, or an eye roll that teaches you your emotions are “a problem” (Webb, 2013). Inconsistent or dismissive reactions can condition you to believe that your needs are annoying, excessive, or unworthy.
But they aren’t.
The Call to Action:
Stop apologizing for your emotional existence. If someone makes you feel like a burden every time you express yourself, that’s not a communication issue—that’s a values clash.
Try saying:
“I’m allowed to have needs and boundaries. If that makes me ‘too much,’ then maybe we’re not aligned.”
Let them sit with the discomfort of that truth. You’ve sat with them long enough.
6. They Only Show Up When It Benefits Them
They’re great at making an entrance when there’s something in it for them. A party, a favor, a moment where they can shine. But when do you need something? They vanish like a missed call.
It’s not just that they’re unavailable. It’s that their presence is conditional. You start to feel like a convenience store: useful only when they need something quick.
The Deeper Truth:
This behavior isn’t about forgetfulness—it’s about transactional connection. They measure relationships in terms of gain. If they don’t see a return on investment, they don’t bother showing up.
Psychologist Dr. Jane McCartney explains that inconsiderate people often lack emotional reciprocity—they don’t process relationships as two-way streets. Instead, they see others as tools to manage their own stress, loneliness, or ego needs (McCartney, 2014).
It’s not that they can’t care—it’s that they choose not to when caring feels inconvenient.
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What You Can Say:
Try:
“I’ve noticed you only reach out when something’s going on. I need a more balanced connection.”
If they respond with guilt, denial, or deflection, you’ve likely hit a nerve. And that’s the truth of it: considerate people show up even when there’s nothing in it for them.
7. They Offer Help—But Only on Their Terms (and for Their Ego)
They love giving advice. Solving problems. “Being there” for you. At first, it feels generous—even comforting. But over time, you notice something: their version of support doesn’t leave much room for you.
You try to share your perspective, but they interrupt. You express a different need, and they insist their way is better. You didn’t ask for advice, but they gave it anyway. Loudly. And now you feel more talked over than helped.
The Red Flag in Disguise:
Inconsiderate people don’t always ignore you. Sometimes, they smother you with “support”—but it’s support that centers them: their wisdom, their solutions, their need to be needed. It feels like help, but it’s really a power play.
Psychological Insight:
According to Dr. Harriet Lerner, this behavior is rooted in control disguised as care. In her book The Dance of Intimacy, she explains that people who overfunction (take over, fix, lead) often do so because they feel anxious when others are in emotional pain—they’re not actually present with you; they’re trying to make themselves feel better by taking charge (Lerner, 1989).
And the problem? That kind of help can feel more like suffocation than support.
What to Do About It:
Try naming what you actually need. Say:
“I’m not looking for advice—I just need you to listen for a moment.”
Or:
“I appreciate the offer, but I want to handle this my way.”
Watch how they react. A truly considerate person will back off. An inconsiderate one? They’ll double down, guilt you, or make it about how you’ve rejected them.
Support isn’t real if it only comes in the shape that flatters their ego.
8. They Guilt-Trip You Into Doing Things You Don’t Want to Do
It starts with a sigh. A passive-aggressive comment. Maybe a “Wow, must be nice to have free time” when you can’t make it. Or “I guess I just care more than you do.” Suddenly, you’re questioning your own boundaries.
They didn’t ask outright, but you feel bad anyway. And worse? You’re now doing something you didn’t want to do, just to not feel like the bad guy.
That’s not your conscience speaking. That’s manipulation.
What Guilt-Tripping Is:
At its core, guilt-tripping is about control. When someone makes you feel responsible for their emotions, they’re trying to shift the balance of power in the relationship. And it’s incredibly effective—especially if you’re the type who hates disappointing others.
Psychological Breakdown:
Dr. George Simon, in his book In Sheep’s Clothing, explains that guilt-trippers use covert aggression. They won’t directly confront you—instead, they push emotional buttons to get what they want, while maintaining plausible deniability. That way, if you call it out, you look unreasonable (Simon, 2010).
It’s manipulation wrapped in emotional language. But it’s still manipulation.
What You Can Say:
The key is not to justify yourself. Try:
“I understand that you’re disappointed, but I’m allowed to say no.”
Or:
“It’s not okay to make me feel guilty for honoring my boundaries.”
You don’t owe anyone your energy, time, or emotional labor—especially not at the cost of your well-being.
If someone only feels “close” to you when they’re getting their way, that’s not closeness. That’s emotional blackmail.
9. They’re Inconsistent—Affectionate One Day, Distant the Next
One day, they’re all in—texting first, laughing with you, making you feel seen. The next? Cold. Distracted. Irritable. You’re not sure if you did something wrong or if they’re just in a mood. You replay conversations in your head, searching for clues. You walk on eggshells, hoping to get the “good version” of them today.
That’s not a connection. That’s emotional instability disguised as mystery.
What’s Really Happening:
Inconsistent people keep others off balance. Not always intentionally, but the result is the same: you end up managing their emotional weather, not your relationship. You learn to adapt. You learn not to ask too much. You shrink yourself so they stay comfortable.
That’s not love or loyalty—it’s survival.
The Psychological Lens:
This behavior often stems from insecure attachment styles, particularly anxious-avoidant dynamics, where people crave closeness but fear vulnerability, so they swing between warmth and withdrawal (Levine & Heller, 2010). It’s especially confusing when paired with “breadcrumbing”—giving just enough attention to keep you around, without ever truly showing up.
And it’s exhausting.
What to Watch For:
- Do you feel calm or anxious after interacting with them?
- Are you afraid to bring things up because it might “push them away”?
- Do they make you feel like you’re the unpredictable one?
Healthy relationships don’t keep you guessing. They don’t punish you with silence or affection withdrawal. They’re steady, even on bad days.
What You Can Do:
You don’t have to diagnose them. Just name your experience:
- “I’ve noticed you’re engaged sometimes, and distant other times. It’s confusing, and I don’t know where I stand.”
If they react with defensiveness or disappear again, you’ve got your answer. Inconsistent people rarely make consistent companions.
10. When You’re Struggling, They Make It About Themselves
You finally open up. About the stress. The anxiety. The loss. The breakup. The quiet heartbreaks you’ve been carrying alone. And instead of listening, they pivot:
“That reminds me of what I went through…”
“You think you have it bad? Wait till you hear this.”
“Well, maybe you’re overthinking it.”
Suddenly, your moment of vulnerability becomes their stage. Your story becomes background noise to their spotlight. It’s one of the most painful forms of inconsideration: when someone doesn’t just fail to support you, they erase you entirely.
The Deep Disconnect:
People like this don’t lack words—they lack empathy. They treat your emotional moments like pit stops between their own dramas. And if you ask for too much, they disappear. Why? Because your pain doesn’t serve their narrative.
Psychological Insight:
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, empathy is about being present, not fixing, not hijacking, not comparing. Inconsiderate people often engage in self-referential empathy, where instead of being there with you, they turn your experience into a mirror for their own (Neff, 2011).
It might not be intentional. But the message is clear: Your emotions are inconvenient.
What You Can Do:
Next time you’re hurting, notice who holds space—and who fills it with themselves. Try saying:
“I really just need someone to listen, not compare.”
Or:
“Can we talk about what I’m feeling before switching gears?”
You deserve people who stay present. Who doesn’t disappear when things get real? Who doesn’t change the subject when you need to be heard?
Because true consideration isn’t proven when things are easy—it’s revealed when you’re not okay.
Conclusion: Protecting Your Peace Starts with Awareness
We’ve all encountered people who drain us. The ones who show up only when it’s convenient, make us feel guilty for setting boundaries, or use our vulnerabilities to prop up their own ego. But it’s time to stop ignoring the signs.
Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward protecting your peace. You don’t have to play along with inconsiderate dynamics. In fact, you shouldn’t.
Start by honoring your boundaries. Trust your instincts. And don’t settle for relationships that only serve someone else’s needs. True connection is mutual—it’s not about keeping score; it’s about giving and receiving with respect, compassion, and consistency.
The people who value you will make sure you know it. They’ll stay present even when things get tough. They won’t demand your energy while giving you nothing in return. And when you need support, they won’t make it about them—they’ll make it about you.
So, take a breath. Recognize your worth. And remember: you don’t have to put up with inconsiderate behavior just because you’ve been taught to.
Your time, energy, and emotions are yours to protect. Don’t let anyone take that from you.
References
- Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.
- Orloff, J. (2017). The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People. Sounds true.
- Knaus, W. J. (2010). Overcoming Procrastination for Teens: A CBT Guide for College-Bound Students. New Harbinger.
- Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee.
- Webb, J. (2013). Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect. Morgan James Publishing.
- Clark, M. S., & Mills, J. (1979). Interpersonal attraction in exchange and communal relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 37(1), 12–24.
- Lerner, H. (1989). The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships. Harper & Row.
- Simon, G. (2010). In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Parkhurst Brothers.
- Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. TarcherPerigee.
- Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
- Empathy deficit: People unable to put themselves in the shoes of others by JENNIFER DELGADO
- Study reveals that many people are oblivious to how they come across to counterparts and colleagues, according to Columbia Business School research
- 5 Reasons We Let Other People Disrespect Our Time (& What to Do About It) by Kayla Sloan
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