Ever feel like life would be so much easier if everything was straightforward? You know, black or white, either/or, yes or no. No messy gray areas or ambiguity. The problem is, life usually isn’t that simple. Most situations involve complexity, nuance, and layers; there are two sides to every story and multiple truths that co-exist. This type of thinking is known as “both/”and”—the ability to see issues from multiple perspectives and hold seemingly contradictory ideas in your mind at once. It’s a powerful skill that allows you to navigate life’s tricky areas with more wisdom and grace.
In this article, we’ll explore what both/and thinking is, why it’s so important, and how you can strengthen this mental muscle. Spoiler alert: It’s not always easy, but the benefits to your relationships, decision-making, and inner peace can be huge.
Table of Contents
What is both/and thinking?
Both/and thinking is the ability to see issues from multiple perspectives simultaneously, rather than from an “either/or” point of view. It allows you to embrace complexity and navigate tricky situations with more creativity and wisdom.
Challenging Binary Choices
Life is messy and complicated. Both/and thinking moves us past binary choices by recognizing that multiple, even opposing, ideas can be true at the same time. For example, you can value both ambition and work-life balance in your career. You can be both a leader and a team player. You can embrace both change and stability.
Rather than feeling stuck in the middle, both/and thinking allows you to expand your options. You can pursue ambition in a sustainable way. You can lead at times and support your team at other times. You can change what needs changing while maintaining important constants. Both/and thinking leads to more integrative solutions.
Accepting Contradictions
With an both/and mindset, you become more comfortable with contradictions and complex realities. You recognize that ideas that seem opposed can coexist and even complement each other. For example, you may both love and feel frustrated by your partner at times. You can feel anxious about a new opportunity but excited as well.
Life is full of paradoxes. Rather than seeing these as problems to solve, both/and thinking allows you to accept them. You can make space for conflicting emotions and imperfect realities. This broader perspective reduces inner turmoil and leads to greater peace of mind.
Cultivating Curiosity
Both/and thinking stems from an open and curious mindset. When you encounter opposing viewpoints, you seek to understand them rather than judge them. You ask questions to gain insight into different perspectives and look for common ground.
This curiosity and openness allow you to expand your thinking. You gain a wider, more comprehensive understanding of issues. And you often find truth and wisdom in unexpected places. Both/and thinking leads to more creativity, compassion, and connection between people with diverse views.
The Origins of Both/And Thinking
The concept of embracing paradoxical, complex truths rather than an “either/or” way of thinking has been around for centuries. Some of the earliest writings on this topic come from Taoism, an ancient Chinese philosophy. The Tao Te Ching, written around the 6th century BCE, describes the Tao as the “mother” of all things, the force that flows through all life.(source)
Within Taoism is the idea of yin and yang—two opposing yet complementary forces. Yin represents the feminine, dark, passive, cold, and wet. Yang signifies masculine, light, active, warm, and dry. According to Taoism, the harmony of the world depends on the balance of yin and yang. This balance of seeming opposites is a core principle of Taoist both/and thinking.
In the West, the origins of embracing paradox date back to Heraclitus, an ancient Greek philosopher, around 500 BCE. He is famous for saying, “The only constant is change.” Heraclitus believed that opposites are necessary for wholeness, that harmony comes from tension, and that everything contains its opposite. He saw the world as constantly in flux, changing, and becoming.(source)
More recently, psychologist Carl Jung explored the idea of holding space for opposites, which he termed “the transcendent function.” Jung believed that by embracing paradoxes and opposites, we could achieve wholeness and integration of the self. He saw oppositional forces in the human psyche that needed to be brought into balance.(source)
Whether from the East or the West, these philosophies point to the wisdom of embracing paradoxes and opposites rather than choosing one side or the other. Both/and thinking allows us to expand our perspective, find meaning, and achieve greater wisdom and balance in life. Though opposite in nature, yin and yang, change and constancy, light and dark, are complementary and interdependent. Life is complex, and the truth is often somewhere in the middle.
The Limitations of Black and White Perspectives
The world isn’t black and white. Yet many of us tend to view life through an either/or lens—things are either good or bad, right or wrong. This polarized thinking can limit our perspectives and prevent us from seeing the nuances of situations.
When we adopt an either/or mindset, we miss out on the rich diversity of life. Not everything fits neatly into two categories. Life exists along a spectrum, with many shades of gray in between. By opening our minds to both/and thinking, we gain a wider and wiser view of the world.
Some examples of either/or versus both/and thinking:
- Success or failure: Life is a journey, not a destination. There are lessons to be learned from both successes and failures along the way.
- Win or lose: Competition isn’t always healthy or helpful. Look for win-win scenarios where everyone benefits.
- My way or the highway: Be open to hearing different perspectives. Compromise and finding common ground lead to better solutions.
- Love it or leave it: Rarely is anything all good or all bad. Appreciate the positives while still seeing room for improvement.
- With me or against me: This polarized stance creates divisions and conflict. Look for shared interests and values to build connections.
When we open our minds to accept life’s complexity and diversity, we grow in wisdom and compassion. Both/and thinking allows us to navigate difficult decisions and disagreements with more creativity, empathy, and care for one another. While it may require more effort, embracing nuance and seeking common ground leads to better outcomes for all.
So next time you’re tempted to see an issue as black or white, stop and ask yourself: What other perspectives might there be? How can I expand my view to include both/and? Your relationships, community, and world will be better for it.
Why Binary Thinking Falls Short
Binary, either-or thinking is limiting and can prevent us from seeing the full picture. Life is complex, and many situations call for the ability to embrace paradoxes and multiple perspectives at once. This “both/and” approach allows for a more nuanced understanding of issues and can lead to creative solutions.
Why does binary thinking fall short?
- It creates false dilemmas. We often frame choices as “either/or” when there are more options available. For example, it’s not a choice between “following your head” or “following your heart.” You can use both reason and intuition.
- It leads to polarization. When we split the world into “right vs. wrong” or “good vs. bad,” it fosters conflict and division. In reality, the truth is often somewhere in the middle.
- It limits creativity. Binary thinking boxes us into predefined categories, making it hard to see alternative solutions. Looking at a problem from multiple angles opens up more possibilities.
- Life is messy and complex. Rigid either/or thinking simply doesn’t reflect the realities of life. Most situations involve balancing multiple needs and desires. For example, we want both freedom and security, success and relationships, work and play.
- Context matters. Choices that seem opposed can be compatible, depending on the circumstances. For example, “saving money” and “spending money” aren’t always mutually exclusive. You can do both budgeting and financial planning.
To embrace “both/and” thinking:
- Look for common ground and areas of overlap. Find places where seemingly opposed ideas actually align or complement each other.
- Seek to understand different perspectives. Try to see where others are coming from, even if you disagree. Look for the grain of truth in other views.
- Focus on interests, not positions. Get beneath rigid stances to understand the underlying interests and needs. Often, there are ways to satisfy multiple interests.
- Consider context. Make choices based on your current circumstances and priorities, not on rigid rules. Be flexible in your thinking.
- Accept paradox and ambiguity. Learn to comfortably hold two seemingly contradictory ideas at once. Life is complex, so look for practical and creative solutions.
Seeing the Gray Areas in Life
The world isn’t always black-and-white. Many situations exist in the gray areas in between, requiring nuanced thinking to navigate. Developing a “both/and mindset can help you become more open-minded and make better decisions.
Seeing beyond either/or.
An either/or perspective views the world in very polarized terms: you’re either for us or against us, right or wrong, good or bad. But life is messy and complex. Multiple, even seemingly contradictory, ideas can be true at once. A both-and approach recognizes this, allowing you to consider different sides of an issue and find common ground.
For example, you may value both personal achievement and work-life balance. You could have a career that challenges you in meaningful ways while still making time for hobbies, relationships, and self-care. Rather than choosing one or the other, look for options that fulfill both needs.
Embracing ambiguity and uncertainty.
With a both/and mindset, you become more comfortable with ambiguity and can make sound judgments even when you lack perfect information. You recognize that the truth is often complex, and there may be more than one “right” answer.
This approach also allows you to change your views as new information comes to light. You can weigh the evidence objectively and be willing to accept conclusions that differ from what you previously believed. An open and curious mindset helps you avoid close-mindedness.
Building understanding through compromise.
A both-and perspective fosters empathy, cooperation, and compromise. When you can see multiple sides of an issue, you’re more willing to listen to other perspectives and find common ground. This allows you to have more constructive disagreements and build understanding, even when you don’t see things completely eye-to-eye.
Developing a both-and mindset takes conscious effort and practice. But embracing life’s complexities and seeing beyond simplistic either/or thinking can lead to wiser judgments, less conflict, and a greater ability to navigate difficult situations.
The world may not always be black and white, but with an open and understanding heart, you’ll find the colors in between.
Embracing paradoxes and contradictions
Embracing paradoxes and contradictions in life isn’t easy. We tend to see the world in black-and-white, right-and-wrong terms. But the truth is, life is messy and complex. Many things can be both true and untrue at the same time.
Some common paradoxes you may grapple with are:
- You want intimacy in your relationships, but you also cherish independence. Finding the balance between closeness and autonomy with your partner or friends can be challenging. But with open communication, you can have both.
- As a parent, you want to protect your kids but also see them learn and grow from facing difficulties. Giving them room to stumble while still providing guidance is a tightrope all parents walk. With patience and trust in their abilities, you can achieve both protection and growth.
- In your work, you aim for consistent results but also value innovation. Companies often struggle with scaling what works while also fostering new ideas. By designating time and resources for each, businesses can embrace standardization and originality together.
- You desire comfort and adventure. We all want security, new experiences, relaxation, and stimulation. By consciously making time for each—planning a trip while maintaining a routine, for example—you can savor stability and excitement alike.
Learning to accept and even appreciate paradoxes leads to greater wisdom and well-being. We cannot eliminate messiness from life, but we can expand our thinking to embrace contradictions. With an open and curious mindset, we find truth on both sides. And we discover that what at first seemed opposed can coexist and even complement each other. Life’s complexity becomes more navigable when we adopt both/and thinking.
Seeing Issues from Multiple Perspectives
Seeing issues from multiple perspectives requires an open and flexible mindset. Rather than thinking in absolutes of “right vs. wrong” or “good vs. bad,” it means considering the nuances and complexities in any situation.
Challenging Assumptions
We all have implicit biases and make assumptions about people or circumstances. Try reexamining your views and questioning where they came from. Are they based on facts or inherited beliefs? Thinking in a “both/and” way means acknowledging there are many truths, and what you once thought was black-and-white likely has more depth.
For example, instead of judging a friend’s decision as foolish, consider what may have led them to make that choice. Rather than labeling a group of people as “ignorant” or “uneducated,” think about the systemic factors that contribute to societal problems. Seeking to understand multiple angles will make you wiser and help build common ground.
Finding shared interests
Even when people have opposing stances, there are usually some shared hopes or values beneath the surface. Try focusing on these connections rather than the differences. For instance, those with conflicting political ideologies may both ultimately want security, freedom, or prosperity. Groups with rival business interests may share goals of innovation or customer satisfaction.
Look for compromises and solutions that meet the key interests of all sides. This “win-win” approach is far more constructive than trying to force others to accept an “all-or-nothing” outcome. With empathy and creativity, you can navigate complex disagreements in a way that benefits everyone.
Making Room for Paradoxes
The world is full of apparent contradictions, paradoxes, and ironies. Rather than seeing these as problems to fix, accept them as part of life’s mystery. Learn to tolerate uncertainty and ambiguity instead of grasping for absolutes.
For example, you can both love someone and find them annoying at times. You may feel deeply connected to your cultural heritage while also being critical of certain aspects. A work of art could be interpreted as beautiful by some and ugly by others. The ability to hold space for such paradoxes, without judgement, is key to both/and thinking.
Embracing “both/and” logic in place of “either/or” allows for a fuller, fairer understanding of almost any issue. Looking through this lens of wholeness and compassion will enrich your relationships, reduce conflict, and create more possibilities for positive change.
Finding shared values and common ground
Finding shared values and common ground requires an open and curious mindset. Rather than seeing the world in black-and-white terms, embrace a “both/and” way of thinking that allows for nuance and complexity.
As humans, we all want similar things: to feel happy, healthy, secure, and valued. Focus on the humanity you share with others, even those with opposing views. Seek to understand different perspectives and find points where your interests and needs align. This may reveal more common ground than you expect.
Listen with empathy.
Make an effort to listen without judgment. Try to understand other views and the experiences that shaped them. Ask open-ended questions to make sure you comprehend their position fully before sharing your own. Looking for shared hopes and values beneath surface disagreements can help find connections.
Share how you feel and why.
Explain your perspectives and priorities in a calm, compassionate way. Share how certain issues personally impact you and your community. Frame differences as a chance to learn rather than an irreconcilable divide. Your openness may encourage others to reflect more deeply in turn.
Look for compromise and solutions that benefit all.
Rather than arguing over opposing positions, look for options that satisfy the key interests of both sides. Be willing to accept imperfect solutions that make progress. Compromise often means meeting somewhere in the middle and not getting everything you want. But if approached constructively, it can lead to the fairest and most widely supported outcomes.
With practice, embracing a “both/and” mindset gets easier. You may find yourself less quick to judge and label others. And in contentious discussions, you’ll become adept at redirecting conversations in a more positive, solution-focused direction. Over time, you may gain valuable new insights—and perhaps even new friends. Approaching differences with an open and willing spirit is the surest path to finding common ground.
Integrating opposing ideas and viewpoints
To embrace both/and thinking is to accept that life is often not black and white. Integrating opposing viewpoints and ideas that seem to contradict each other can lead to a more balanced perspective and help reduce polarization.
Rather than seeing issues as either/or, look for the nuances and complexities in situations. Try to understand multiple sides of an argument or discussion instead of immediately dismissing other opinions. For example, instead of believing that one political party is always right and the other is always wrong, recognize that there are merits and drawbacks to both conservative and liberal policies.
- Compromise when possible. Don’t dig into extreme positions. Meet in the middle.
- Practice active listening. Make an effort to understand other perspectives without judgment before responding. Try restating their views to confirm you have understood them correctly.
- Look for common ground and areas of agreement. Then build upon that foundation. Focus on interests, not positions. Positions are often incompatible, while underlying interests may align.
- Avoid accusations and criticism. Use “T” statements and speak from your own experience. Say “I feel” or “I perceive” instead of “You always.”.
- Do your own research from multiple, fact-based sources. Challenge any assumptions you may hold and be willing to accept credible evidence that contradicts them. The truth is often complex.
- Stay open-minded and humble. Accept that you could be wrong or misinformed. There is always more to learn.
With practice, embracing both/and thinking can become second nature. While it may require effort, the rewards of reduced conflict, new insights, and more holistic solutions make it a worthwhile pursuit. Rather than dividing the world into two opposing camps, we can work to integrate opposing ideas and bring people together.
Applying Both/and Thinking in Your Life
Applying both/and thinking in your daily life can help reduce stress and conflict, improve relationships, and lead to better solutions and decisions. It allows you to see beyond either extremes by embracing the complexity of situations.
Consider how both/and thinking applies to common life events and interactions:
Conflicts
Arguments often stem from an unwillingness to see another perspective. Look for ways you can understand both sides, even if you disagree. Say, “I can see you feel that way because…” to show you recognize their view, then explain your own. This approach tends to diffuse tensions and open the other person to hearing your side as well.
Parenting
As a parent, you want to guide your child to make good choices but also give them independence to learn and grow. Set clear rules and reasonable consequences to enforce them, but also explain your reasoning to help them develop sound judgment. Give them opportunities to make their own choices when the stakes are low, so they can gain confidence in their decision-making abilities.
Health issues
When facing health issues, it can be easy to feel discouraged if you have to give up certain foods or make lifestyle changes. But focus on the benefits you’ll gain, like improved mobility, increased energy, and a longer life. Follow the recommended treatments from your doctor, but also explore complementary therapies like meditation, massage, or acupuncture for additional relief and support. Make the necessary sacrifices, but pamper yourself in other ways.
Work-life balance
Having a fulfilling career is important, but so is spending time with loved ones and enjoying hobbies. Set boundaries to avoid burnout, like not checking email once you’re off work or taking all your vacation days. When you’re on the job, be fully focused and productive. Outside of work, make the most of your time by being fully present with friends and family and engaging in activities that recharge you.
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Looking at life through the lens of both/and thinking helps you find more creative solutions, build better relationships, and lead a more balanced and meaningful life. While it may feel unnatural at first, with regular practice, you can overcome the tendency to think in extremes and open your mind to embrace the complexity of any situation.
Conclusion
Both/and thinking recognizes that most situations are complex, with multiple, interdependent factors at play. Life is rarely black-and-white. In our polarized world, both/and thinking can help overcome divisiveness and find common ground.
What does “both/and” mean? Rather than “either/or” thinking, which sees things in black-and-white terms, “both/and” thinking accepts that multiple seemingly conflicting ideas or priorities can co-exist. For example, you can value both freedom of speech and inclusive language. You can care about both the environment and the economy. Things don’t have to be one or the other.
Isn’t it unrealistic? Some argue that both/and thinking is wishy-washy or indecisive. However, it’s simply a more nuanced way of understanding complex realities. Both/and thinking seeks to reconcile tensions, not ignore them. It finds solutions that honor multiple valid perspectives. While it may require more work, both/and solutions tend to be more ethical, sustainable, and widely accepted.
When facing a complex issue, avoid framing it as an “either/or” choice. Look for ways to reconcile values and priorities that seem to be in tension. Ask open-ended questions to understand different perspectives. Look for compromise and common ground. With practice, both/and thinking can become a habit. While it may feel unnatural at first, it leads to wiser, more compassionate choices in a world that is messy and complex. Life is usually not either/or. More often, it’s both/and.
References
- Black Psychology and Whiteness: Toward a Conceptual Model of Black Trauma through the Prism of Whiteness by Kenneth M. Tyler Kenneth., Danelle Stevens-Watkins, Jennifer L. Burris, Sycarah D. Fisher, and Candice N. Hargons (Volume 48, Issue 1 https://doi.org/10.1177/00957984211034948)
- Do You Fall Into The Trap Of Binary Thinking? Written by: Valerie Biehl
- LEARNING TO SEE THE GRAY – EMPOWERED COUNSELING by Crystal (Trevino) Rodriguez
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