You’ve been hurt before. Burned when you opened yourself up and let someone in. So you threw up the walls and shut down. Can’t blame you – it’s a natural reaction. But living life behind a fortress of mistrust and cynicism takes its toll. You end up lonely, even when surrounded by people. If you’re tired of pushing others away and want more meaningful connections, it’s time. Time to start chipping away at those walls brick by brick. Time to lower the drawbridge and let people cross the most. Yes, it’s scary. You don’t want to get hurt again. But you can take steps to open up slowly, safely.
Follow this guide to learn how to start being emotionally available again, connect on a deeper level, and get what your guarded heart truly needs – real intimacy. The rewards are worth the risk.
Table of Contents
What Is Emotional Availability?
Emotional availability refers to your ability to connect with others in a meaningful way. To be emotionally available, you need to be self-aware, open, and willing to share what’s really going on with you. Drop your guard. Stop pretending everything is fine if it’s not. Admit when you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or upset. Your friends and family want to support you, so let them in. Listen without judgment. Make eye contact, give the other person your full attention, and listen to understand rather than just reply. Respond with empathy and compassion.
Share how you really feel. Talk about your hopes, fears, dreams, and struggles. Emotional intimacy is built on vulnerability, so take a chance and reveal your true self. Accept yourself. Learn to appreciate who you are, imperfections and all. When you embrace yourself, it’s easier to embrace others, as they are too.
Put your devices away. Make time for real conversations without distractions. Engage with others in person whenever possible. Texting and social media have their place, but they can’t replace human interaction.
Being emotionally available takes effort, but it’s worth it. Connecting to others in an authentic way leads to healthier, happier relationships and an overall improved sense of wellbeing. Make the choice today to drop your guard, open your heart, and let the people who matter most into your life.
How to be Emotionally Available
To be emotionally available, you have to be willing to open up. Let your guard down. Stop holding back and be vulnerable. Share what’s really going on with you, your struggles, and your fears. Talk about your emotions, even the messy ones.
Be fully present. When someone talks to you, make eye contact, give them your full attention and listen without judgment. Put your phone away, avoid distractions and be genuinely interested in the conversation. Ask open-ended questions to show you care about what they’re sharing.
Be empathetic. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Say things like, “I can understand why you feel that way.” Your empathy and compassion can go a long way in making someone feel heard and supported.
Share details about yourself. While it’s important to be there for others, don’t forget to open up about yourself too. Talk about your day, your interests, your experiences, and your ups and downs. Let people in and be authentic. Emotional intimacy is a two-way street.
Accept all emotions. Learn to be comfortable with the full range of emotions, both positive and negative. Don’t judge yourself or others for feeling a certain way. Embrace anger, fear, sadness, and vulnerability—not just happiness and joy. Emotional availability means creating space for it all.
With practice, being emotionally available can become second nature. But it starts with you – make the choice to drop your guard, open your heart and connect on a deeper level. Your relationships will be so much richer for it.
1. Self-Awareness: Knowing Yourself and Your Patterns
Knowing yourself on a deep level is key to becoming emotionally available. Do some honest self- reflection about how you typically handle emotions-both your own and others. Are you someone who bottles things up? Do you tend to be overly critical of yourself or others?
Spend time thinking about events from your past and how they shaped your emotional reactions and behaviors. Often our patterns originate in childhood as a way to cope with situations we didn’t fully understand. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to making a change.
Be aware of your triggers and hot buttons. What situations cause you to shut down or lash out? Monitor your emotional reactions to everyday events and interactions. Notice the thoughts that run through your head in these moments. Your self-talk has a huge influence over your emotional state. Try to challenge any irrational thoughts and replace them with more balanced ones.
Don’t be too self-critical in this process. Self-awareness is a journey, not a destination. Be gentle with yourself and maintain a curious, non-judgemental stance. Over time, you’ll gain valuable insight into what makes you tick emotionally. With practice and patience, you can reshape your patterns into healthier ones. But self-awareness has to come first.
Knowing yourself inside and out, acknowledging both your strengths and your weaknesses, is essential to letting your guard down. Do the work to gain self-awareness, and you’ll be well on your way to becoming open, authentic, and emotionally available.
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2. Recognizing Your Emotional Barriers
You’ve likely built up emotional barriers over time to protect yourself from getting hurt. But those same walls may now prevent you from connecting fully with others. It’s time to tear them down.
Face your fears. What are you most afraid of when it comes to intimacy? Maybe you fear rejection, abandonment, or feeling out of control. Identify your fears and try to understand where they come from. Then, challenge any irrational thoughts and reframe them in a more balanced way. Start small by taking little risks to build your confidence.
Learn to be vulnerable. Opening up to others about your feelings, needs, and weaknesses can be terrifying. But vulnerability is essential for emotional intimacy. Share details of your life, your struggles, and your dreams with people you trust. Let your guard down and allow others to support you. Each time you’re vulnerable, it will get a little easier.
Stop avoiding difficult emotions. Many of us numb or avoid emotions like hurt, anger and sadness. But repressing your feelings only makes them intensity. Practice tolerating discomfort and work through challenging emotions. Cry if you need to, talk to others, write in a journal. Releasing pent-up emotions will free you to experience the full range of human connection.
Tearing down your emotional barriers is a journey. Be gentle with yourself, start small and celebrate each win. On the other side is a life filled with rich, meaningful relationships, and that is worth facing any fear. With time and practice, you’ll find that letting your guard down becomes second nature.
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3. Active Listening and Validation
To be emotionally available, you need to open your ears and listen actively to what others are saying. Make eye contact, give the other person your full attention, and listen for the meaning and emotion behind their words. Repeat and paraphrase
Repeat back parts of what they said to confirm you understood correctly. Say something like, “It sounds like you felt frustrated when your coworker took credit for your work.” This validates that you heard them and builds trust.
Ask open-ended questions. Ask follow up questions to make sure you have the full picture. Say, “Can you tell me more about what happened?” or “How did that make you feel?” Open-ended questions show you care about the details.
Share how you relate. Let the other person know you understand by sharing a similar experience you’ve had. Say something like, “I’ve been in a similar situation and I know how upsetting that can feel.” Relating to them in this way builds empathy.
Acknowledge their feelings. Put their feelings into words to validate them. You might say, “It makes complete sense that you would feel that way.” or “I can understand why you feel disappointed and upset.” Acknowledging feelings shows you understand them emotionally
Offer support. Let the other person know you support them. Say something like, “Tm here for you if you want to talk more about this.” or “Please let me know if there’s any way I can support you through this.” Offering your support and willingness to listen demonstrates your emotional availability.
Following these steps to actively listen and validate the other person’s experience will strengthen your emotional connection and allow them to open up to you. Make the time to be fully present; it can make a world of difference.
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4. Developing Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways. To develop your emotional IQ, start by improving your self-awareness. Pay attention to how you’re feeling and how your emotions influence your thoughts and behaviors. Start a journal to track your emotional patterns and triggers.
Once you better understand yourself, work on managing your emotions. Take deep breaths to stay calm in stressful situations. Express your feelings in constructive ways instead of bottling them up or lashing out. Learn to see situations objectively so your emotions don’t cloud your judgment.
Next, practice empathy. Try to understand how others are feeling and see things from their perspective. Make eye contact and pay attention to body language and tone of voice. Put yourself in their shoes instead of immediately judging them. Ask open-ended questions to make sure you understand them.
Finally, strengthen your emotional support system. Spend time with people who encourage you and lift you up. Let close family and friends know you’re working to improve your emotional skills and ask them to call out instances where you seem reactive or insensitive. Their support can help keep you accountable.
Developing emotional intelligence is a lifelong process. But by gaining self-awareness, managing your own emotions, showing empathy for others and surrounding yourself with strong supporters, you’ll be well on your way to becoming a healthier, happier and more emotionally available person. Stay patient and consistent, and your emotional skills will become second nature.
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5. Expressing Your Feelings Authentically
To express your feelings in an authentic way, start by getting in touch with what you’re really feeling.
Identify your emotions. Are you angry, sad, frustrated, joyful, excited? Once you label the feeling, think about what triggered it. Connecting the feeling to the source event will help you articulate it to others.
Be honest and vulnerable. Share what you’re really feeling rather than masking it or avoiding the conversation altogether. Say something like, “I felt frustrated when you canceled our plans at the at the last minute.” Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to express them, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Avoid accusations. Use “I” statements and speak about how the situation impacted you, rather than attacking the other person. For example, say “I felt disappointed when you broke your promise,” rather than “You never keep your word.” This approach is less likely to put the other person on the defensive.
Be open to listening. Have a genuine exchange where you share your feelings, then listen to the other person’s perspective with an open mind. Look for opportunities to find common ground and compromise. Say what you need to say, but also be willing to understand their side of things.
Expressing your feelings in an authentic, constructive way is challenging but builds healthier relationships. With regular practice, you can get better at identifying your emotions, being vulnerable when sharing them, and having meaningful conversations as a result. The rewards of deeper connections and less built-up resentment or hurt make it worth the effort.
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6. Get Comfortable With Vulnerability
To become emotionally available, you have to be willing to open up. This means embracing vulnerability and getting comfortable with sharing your authentic feelings.
Make sharing your feelings a habit. Start with small acts of emotional vulnerability in low-risk situations, like telling a friend or family member how you’re really doing when they ask. Gradually, increase the depth and breadth of what you share as you get more comfortable.
Learn to tolerate discomfort. Feeling vulnerable can be uncomfortable, but it’s a normal human experience. Remind yourself that the discomfort will pass and resist the urge to shut down emotionally. Stay open and engaged.
Share your imperfections and weaknesses. Emotionally available people are transparent about their flaws and shortcomings. Talk about your mistakes, fears, and insecurities with people you trust. Accept yourself as you are instead of trying to appear perfect.
Be authentic and honest. Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes. Share what’s really going on with you instead of pretending everything’s fine. Emotional intimacy requires sincerity.
Let your guard down. Drop your defenses and allow yourself to be fully seen by others. Make eye contact, maintain an open and relaxed body posture, and listen without judgment. Be willing to emotionally connect on a deeper level.
Getting comfortable with vulnerability and letting your guard down allows you to form closer relationships built on mutual understanding and support. Although it requires courage, the rewards of increased emotional intimacy and connection are well worth the risk. Gradually making vulnerability a habit will help you become your most authentic self.
7. Communicating Openly and Honestly
To be emotionally available, you need to be willing to openly and honestly share how you truly feel with your partner. This means: Dropping your guard and letting them in. Many of us have built walls around our hearts to protect ourselves from past hurts and vulnerability. But those same walls that protect us also isolate us. Make the courageous choice to dismantle them, brick by brick, by sharing your authentic self with your partner.
Sharing both positive and negative emotions. Expressing your true joy, excitement and gratitude lets your partner know what brings you happiness. Likewise, sharing fears, sadness or frustrations allows them to provide comfort and support. Both the good and the bad are part of the human experience, so share it all
Discussing difficult topics. Challenging conversations often need to happen for a relationship to deepen. While it may feel easier to avoid sensitive issues, addressing them with care, empathy and honesty can bring you closer together in the long run. Have faith in your partner’s ability to understand and find the courage within yourself to speak your truth with compassion.
Listening without judgment. Creating a safe space means accepting whatever your partner shares without criticism. Respond with empathy, care and understanding. Your openness and acceptance will inspire them to continue opening up to you.
Checking in regularly. Make open, honest communication a habit by regularly checking in with each other about your feelings, needs, desires and any relationship issues. Continually share how you’re feeling and ask how they’re feeling as well. This ongoing flow of emotional intimacy and vulnerability will keep your connection strong.
8. Being Present and Mindful in Relationships
Mindfulness means being fully present and attentive. When you’re mindful in your relationships, you give the other person your full focus and listen without distraction or judgment. Being present allows you to deepen your connection and gain a better understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings.
Make eye contact, listen actively, and avoid checking your phone or letting your mind wander. Pay close attention to the other person’s tone of voice, body language, and choice of words. Try to understand their perspective and emotions. Ask clarifying questions and reflect what they’re saying to make sure you comprehend fully.
When you’re with someone, really be with them. Don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future. Focus on the current moment and appreciate the simple pleasure of their company. Compliment them, express affection, and say “I love you” often. Little gestures like holding hands, hugging, kissing and touching help create intimacy.
Make quality time for meaningful conversations. Discuss your hopes, dreams, challenges and fears. Share details about your day and express how certain events made you feel. Be open to joking around, reminiscing about good memories you’ve shared and dreaming together about the future.
Being emotionally present requires effort and practice. Start by choosing one relationship to focus on, perhaps with your significant other or closest friend. Make a daily commitment to put away distractions when you’re together and give them your full attention. Your mindfulness and thoughtfulness will be greatly appreciated. By strengthening your presence in one relationship at a time, you’ll get better at being available for all the important people in your life.
9. Setting Healthy Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries are essential for your wellbeing and happiness. They allow you to own your feelings instead of being controlled by the feelings of others. When you have poor emotional boundaries, you may feel drained, anxious, or resentful in relationships.
To establish healthy boundaries, start by identifying your limits. What types of behavior make you feel disrespected or taken advantage of? Be honest with yourself about what you can handle emotionally. Don’t be afraid to say “no” when you’ve reached your limit. Let others know in a respectful way when their demands become too much.
It’s also important to avoid rescuing others or taking on their problems as your own. Listen with empathy but allow others to solve their own issues. Focus on supporting them to find their own solutions rather than doing it for them.
Give yourself space when you need it. Take time for yourself to rest and recharge so you can be fully present for your relationships. Don’t feel obligated to always be available when others want your time or energy. Your needs matter too.
Lastly, be selective about who you share personal details with. Only open up to those who have proven themselves trustworthy and supportive. Keep casual acquaintances at a distance and save your vulnerability for your closest confidants.
Establishing boundaries won’t happen overnight. It requires practice and a commitment to valuing your own wellbeing. Start small by making minor adjustments and build up your ability to say no. You’ll find that healthy boundaries lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships where you can connect freely without losing yourself.
10. Learning to Trust and Be Vulnerable
To open yourself up emotionally, you have to learn to trust again. When you’ve been hurt in the past, it’s normal to build up walls around your heart to protect yourself. However, those same walls that keep pain out also keep love and intimacy out. To find meaningful connections, you’ll need to start chipping away at those barriers.
The first step is to reflect on your past relationships and experiences that made you feel unable to trust. Try to gain perspective on them and work to release any resentment or negative feelings you may still harbor. Forgive others and forgive yourself. Let go of the past so you can move forward.
Start small by opening up to close friends or family members you already trust. Share details about your life, your struggles, your dreams that you normally keep guarded. Their support can help build your confidence to open up to new people.
When meeting new potential partners or friends, look for signals that they are trustworthy like active listening, empathy, and discretion with what you share. Don’t feel pressured to reveal everything at once. Share at your own pace, and pay attention to how they respond. People worthy of your trust will respect your boundaries.
Learn that vulnerability, while scary, is the only path to real intimacy. Have faith in yourself that you can handle whatever comes from lowering your guard. Stay true to yourself, set healthy boundaries, and don’t be afraid to walk away from those who don’t respect you. With time and practice, trust and openness can get easier. The rewards of rich, meaningful relationships will make the effort worthwhile.
11. Letting Go of Judgment
Judging others is a hard habit to break, but an important step towards emotional availability. When you judge someone for their actions or choices, you limit your ability to understand them. Instead of judging, work on accepting people as they are.
Try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. We all have experiences that shape who we become, so consider what has influenced them. Seek to understand rather than condemn. Ask open-ended questions to discover their side of the story, and listen without criticism. With empathy and compassion, you can gain insight into what motivates people.
Let go of expectations for how others “should” behave. We each have different values, priorities and coping mechanisms. Accept that you cannot control others, you can only influence them through kindness. Judging often says more about you than the other person. Examine your triggers and consider why certain behaviors bother you so much. Your reactions may stem from insecurities, past hurts or desire for control.
With practice, judging others will become second nature. When you feel judgmental thoughts arise, take a step back and reframe your mindset. Remind yourself that you cannot fully understand another’s experience. Grant them grace, and focus on finding common ground instead of picking them apart. Approach each person with an open heart and mind. Let go of judgment, and allow empathy and acceptance to guide your interactions.
Cultivating Emotional Intimacy in Relationships
To build real emotional intimacy in your relationships, you have to be willing to let your guard down. This means opening up about your feelings, sharing your vulnerabilities, and being fully present with others.
Start by listening without judgment. Give your full attention to the other person and make eye contact. Listen for the emotion and meaning behind their words, not just the words themselves. Ask open- ended questions to make sure you understand them and to show you care.
Share details about yourself too, not just facts but feelings as well. Talk about your hopes, fears, dreams, and struggles. Be authentic and honest. Let others see the real you.
Express affection and say “I love you” freely. Give compliments and words of affirmation to build closeness. Make physical contact like touching, hugging and holding hands. Physical intimacy leads to emotional intimacy.
Spend quality time together engaged in meaningful conversations and experiences you both enjoy. Make the time to check-in with each other often. Talk about the state of your relationship and how you’re both feeling. Discuss any relationship issues openly and honestly but also express gratitude for your connection.
Emotional intimacy is built over time through vulnerability, open communication, and bonding moments. It requires effort and commitment to maintain a strong emotional and physical connection with the people you care about most. By letting your guard down and cultivating intimacy in your relationships, you’ll build trust and support that enrich your life.
Conclusion
So there you have it – some practical steps for learning to open up and be more emotionally available. Remember, this is a journey. Don’t get discouraged if it feels unnatural at first. With practice and patience, you’ll get better at articulating your feelings, being vulnerable, and connecting on a deeper level. The rewards are so worth it. You’ll build stronger, more authentic relationships. You’ll be less burdened carrying things alone. And you’ll experience more joy and inner peace. Keep working on letting your guard down. The people who care about you are cheering you on. You’ve got this!
References
- What is Emotional Availability? (& 3 Ways to Deal with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner) Author |Emily Weatherhead
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