You know that saying, “you have to love yourself before someone else can love you”? Well, turns out there’s some truth to that. But like most clichés, it doesn’t tell the whole story. Loving yourself is important, no doubt about it. But it’s also possible to take self-love too far. Believe me, I learned that the hard way. I used to think confidence meant never doubting myself or caring what other people thought. I was wrong. It turns out there’s a fine line between self-love and self-absorption.
In this post, I’ll share my journey of learning to love myself in a healthy way – mistakes and all. Stick with me, and maybe you can avoid some of the heartache I went through.
Table of Contents
When You Love Yourself too much…
You Become Narcissistic. When you love yourself too much, you become obsessed with yourself. Your own needs and desires take precedence over everyone else’s. You develop an exaggerated sense of self-importance and believe you deserve special treatment. This toxic narcissism destroys your ability to have meaningful relationships.
You Lose Perspective. An overinflated ego makes you lose touch with reality. You start to believe your own hype and think you can do no wrong. You refuse to accept feedback or criticism from others because you see yourself as flawless. This false sense of superiority and inability to self-reflect leads to poor decision making and lack of growth.
You Become Entitled. Excessive self-love breeds a sense of entitlement. You expect rewards, praise, and accommodation without effort or merit. When life doesn’t hand you things on a silver platter, you become resentful and bitter. An attitude of entitlement prevents you from developing character and resilience. It also makes you an unpleasant person to be around.
You Stop Improving Yourself. When you love yourself too much, you stop putting in the effort to better yourself. You believe you have nothing more to learn or improve. But continual self-development is key to success and happiness. If you rest on your laurels, you get left behind in an ever-changing world. Loving yourself means accepting you have room for growth, not that you are already perfect.
In summary, while self-love and confidence are healthy in moderation, excessive self-love leads down a dark path of narcissism, lack of perspective, entitlement and stagnation. For your own wellbeing and relationships, keep your ego in check and never stop improving yourself. Stay balanced and self-reflective. That is the key to sustainable self-love.
Signs You May Be Too Self-Absorbed
You Constantly Talk About Yourself. Do you find yourself dominating conversations by talking about yourself nonstop? If friends and family rarely get a word in edgewise because you’re too busy rambling on about your life, that’s a red flag. A little self-disclosure is fine, but if you never show interest in others by asking follow up questions or letting them share too, it signals you may be overly focused on yourself.
You Believe You’re Always Right. We all have moments of stubbornness, but if you constantly insist your opinions and beliefs are the only right ones, that’s a problem. Mature, self-aware people recognize that there are many sides to every issue. If you have trouble accepting you could be wrong or that other perspectives may have merit, it suggests an unhealthy amount of self-importance.
You Require Constant Praise and Admiration. Do you crave compliments and pats on the back for even small achievements or minor deeds? Needing ongoing ego-stroking and affirmation from others to feel good about yourself is a sign your sense of self-worth depends too much on what others think of you. Mentally healthy people value themselves for who they are, not what others say about them.
You Lack Empathy for Others. If you find it difficult to understand why others feel the way they do or to show compassion for their struggles, it implies a lack of empathy, a trait common among self-absorbed individuals. The ability to perceive and share the emotions of those around you is key to building meaningful connections. If you have trouble stepping outside yourself to see things from another’s perspective, it may indicate you’re too wrapped up in yourself.
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Difficulty Receiving Feedback or Criticism
When you love yourself too much, receiving feedback or criticism from others can be challenging. You may see their comments as personal attacks, even if they’re well-intentioned.
You Take Things Too Personally. Any comment about your work or behavior feels like a criticism of you as a person. You have trouble separating yourself from what you do. A co-worker suggests a different approach to a project, and you feel like they’re questioning your competence. A friend expresses concern about how often you’re on your phone, and you feel like they’re judging you. You have to learn to not take everything so personally.
You Get Defensive. Because you see feedback as an attack, your instinct is to defend yourself. You make excuses, argue, and try to prove the other person wrong. You have trouble listening with an open mind. Being defensive prevents you from gaining valuable insights that could help you improve. It’s better to stay calm and ask follow-up questions. Try to understand their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
You Can’t Accept Imperfections
Loving yourself too much can mean loving an idealized version of yourself that isn’t realistic. When faced with your own flaws and mistakes, you have trouble accepting them. Criticism reminds you that you aren’t perfect, and that’s hard to take. But accepting imperfections is necessary for growth. No one is without fault, so try not to be too hard on yourself. Focus on learning and improving rather than judgment.
With practice, you can get better at receiving feedback. Stay open-minded, focus on the issues rather than your self-worth, and look for the kernels of truth. Feedback is a gift, even if it’s hard to accept. And loving yourself means accepting both the good and the bad. You’ll become a better, more humble person by embracing opportunities to learn and grow.
Struggles With Empathy and Consideration
If you love yourself too much, you can struggle with empathy and consideration for others. When you’re constantly focused inward, it’s easy to become self-absorbed and oblivious to what others are experiencing.
I used to be guilty of this. I was so concerned with my own feelings and desires that I rarely paused to consider how my words or actions might impact someone else. If a friend was going through a hard time, I’d listen halfheartedly while worrying more about what I wanted to say next. I made insensitive comments without realizing it and failed to offer real emotional support.
Over time, I started to recognize how my self-centeredness was damaging my relationships. Making a conscious effort to see beyond myself has been an ongoing process. Now, when someone comes to me with a problem, I try to give them my full attention. I ask follow-up questions to make sure I understand what they’re really saying instead of just waiting for my turn to speak. If I slip up and say something thoughtless, I apologize and reframe my response.
Showing you care is the best way to build closeness with others. Make eye contact, give sincere compliments, ask open-ended questions and really listen to the answers. Offer specific ways you can support them. Saying “let me know if there’s anything I can do” is meaningless if you don’t actually follow through.
While it’s important to love yourself, that love shouldn’t come at the expense of caring for others. Striking a balance between the two-where you maintain healthy self-esteem but also show empathy, compassion and kindness towards people around you-is key to nurturing strong, mutually fulfilling relationships. When you make the effort to understand different perspectives and meet emotional needs beyond your own, you’ll find your connections with friends and loved ones grow deeper in return.
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How Excessive Self-Love Can Hurt Relationships
As much as we’re told to love ourselves, too much of a good thing can be bad. When I started focusing so much on myself and my needs, I realized my close relationships began to suffer.
Always putting myself first meant I had little time or energy left for the people who mattered most. I was so wrapped up in my goals, my hobbies, my needs that I often didn’t make the effort to stay connected to friends and family. It was easy to cancel plans or be too “busy” when something better came along. The truth was, I had become selfish.
Constant self-absorption also made me a pretty boring person to be around. All I did was talk about myself, my struggles, and my accomplishments. I wasn’t really interested in listening to others or being there for them because I was so focused on me. My self-centeredness was off-putting and caused distance in my relationships.
Excessive self-love also led to feelings of entitlement. I felt like I deserved the best of everything and that my needs should come before others. This caused resentment when I didn’t get my way and prevented me from being able to compromise. I wasn’t able to see beyond my own desires to understand other perspectives.
The hardest part was admitting I had a problem. But once I did, I was able to start rebuilding by listening more, showing interest in others, and being willing to put the people I cared about first at times. It’s still a work in progress, but balancing self-love with love for others has already greatly improved my relationships. Loving yourself is important, but true happiness comes from connecting with the world outside yourself. Moderation and balance, as always, are key.
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When Self-Care Crosses Into Selfishness
Self-care is vital for wellbeing, but taken too far, it can cross into selfishness. I’ve learned this the hard way. A few years ago, I decided to make “me time” a top priority. I started saying no to social invites and work events in favor of alone time, tuning out family and friends to do whatever I felt like in the moment.
Neglecting Responsibilities
At first, it felt great to indulge myself without guilt. But soon, important things started slipping through the cracks. I was shirking chores and work duties to lounge around. Bills went unpaid, friendships felt strained, and my home descended into chaos. My selfishness was damaging relationships and causing real problems. I realized that self-care taken to an extreme can be a slippery slope towards narcissism and irresponsibility.
Losing Perspective
When you’re obsessively focused inward, it’s easy to lose perspective. I became overly self-centered and unaware of how my behavior impacted others. Simple things like not responding to messages, canceling plans at the last-minute, or not following through caused more hurt than I realized. Excessive “me time” made me oblivious to the needs of people around me who cared.
Finding Balance
I learned that self-care and responsibility to others don’t have to be mutually exclusive. It’s about balance. Now I make sure to stay on top of my obligations and nurture relationships as a priority. When I do take time for myself, I’m more mindful about how it affects those close to me. Self-care should make you a better friend, partner, and person-not more selfish or withdrawn. Loving yourself is important, but not at the expense of loving others. The healthiest approach is one of moderation, perspective and balance.
How Overconfidence Can Backfire
When I was younger, I used to think the key to success was believing in myself no matter what. I thought doubting myself was a sign of weakness. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned that unchecked confidence and an unwillingness to accept your own fallibility can be just as damaging.
You Stop Accepting Feedback. When you’re overly confident in your own abilities and judgment, you become less open to constructive criticism and advice. I used to dismiss any feedback that didn’t align with my self-perception. I thought I knew best and didn’t need input from others. But closing yourself off from feedback stunts your growth and prevents you from improving.
You Stop Putting in the Work. Overconfidence often leads to complacency. When you think you’re the best, you stop pushing yourself. I used to coast on my perceived talents instead of honing my skills. But natural ability will only take you so far, Mastery requires practice, hard work, and continuous improvement. If you rest on your laurels, your skills will plateau, and your performance will suffer.
You Blame Others for Your Mistakes. An overinflated ego makes it difficult to accept responsibility when things go wrong. It’s easier to point fingers at external factors than admit your own shortcomings. I used to always have an excuse and blame others for my failures and poor decisions. But by avoiding accountability, you never learn from your mistakes and are doomed to repeat them.
Overconfidence may feel good in the moment, but it often does more harm than good. Having a balanced and realistic view of yourself-acknowledging both your strengths and your weaknesses-is the key to continued growth and success. Staying open to feedback, putting in the work to improve your skills, and taking ownership of your mistakes will serve you much better in the long run.
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How Narcissism Develops: The Dangers of Narcissism
As a narcissist, I grew up believing I was special and deserved constant praise and admiration. My parents doted on me and gave me everything I wanted. They told me I was the smartest and most talented kid in the world. The problem was, the real world didn’t treat me that way.
The Fantasy World Cracks
When I got out into the real world, I struggled. I expected people to bow down to me, but they didn’t. My bosses and coworkers didn’t just hand me promotions and accolades, Dating was hard because I only cared about myself and thought I deserved a supermodel. The real world was harsh and critical, not the fantasy world my parents had created.
Facing Criticism and Failure
I didn’t handle criticism or failure well. Any perceived slight sent me into a rage. How dare that person disrespect me! When I failed at something, I always blamed others. I refused to take responsibility for my own shortcomings and imperfections. The narcissistic facade of perfection had to be maintained at all costs.
Lashing Out and Manipulation
Rather than face the painful truth that I wasn’t as great as I thought, I lashed out and manipulated people. I spread lies and rumors about anyone who dared to criticize me. I used emotional manipulation to get what I wanted from people closest to me. These unhealthy behaviors only further isolated me and damaged my relationships.
The dangers of narcissism are very real. Fantasies of grandeur, manipulation, and lack of empathy are toxic behaviors that destroy lives. If you recognize these traits in yourself, the good news is that self-awareness and a desire to change can help overcome your narcissistic tendencies. But that’s a story for another day!
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Explained
If you love yourself too much, it could be a sign of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). People with NPD have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believe they are superior to others, and lack empathy. I should know-I exhibited all the signs.
As a child, I was the center of attention and thought I deserved special treatment. My parents and teachers fed my ego by praising me constantly. I grew up believing I was uniquely special and deserved success and admiration without effort.
In relationships, i demanded constant compliments and affection from partners but gave little in return. I thought my needs and desires were more important than anyone else’s. I had fantasies about power, success, and attractiveness that I expected to come true.
At work, I took advantage of people to get ahead and thought the rules didn’t apply to me. I was unwilling to take responsibility for mistakes and blamed others instead. I was jealous of colleagues and believed they were envious of me..
The hardest part was accepting the diagnosis and making changes. With therapy, I learned empathy and how to maintain healthy relationships. I accepted that I am flawed and make mistakes like everyone else. I stopped seeking validation through success, looks, or achievements.
Recovery was difficult but freeing. I still have narcissistic tendencies, but now I can recognize them and make better choices. Loving myself in a balanced way-not too much or too little, but just right—has transformed my life for the better.
If any of this sounds familiar, speaking to a mental health professional could help. They can diagnose NPD and provide treatment like talk therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes. The journey is challenging but rewarding. There is hope and healing, even for those who love themselves too much.
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The Importance of Empathy and Perspective-Taking
When you become overly self-focused, it’s easy to lose sight of others and how your actions might affect them. I learned this the hard way. A few years ago, I was so caught up in my own ambitions and needs that I rarely considered how my behavior impacted those around me.
Looking back, I can see now how my self-absorption strained several of my closest relationships. I was impatient with friends who didn’t share my priorities and insensitive to their life challenges. Rather than truly listening when people opened up to me, I was already mentally checking out and thinking about myself.
Developing empathy and the ability to see other perspectives is vital. It’s what allows us to build meaningful connections, become better friends and partners, and even be more effective at work. When you make the effort to understand what others are experiencing and thinking, you gain insights that simply aren’t possible when you’re focused only on yourself.
For me, gaining empathy meant learning to pause my own thoughts and listen without judgment. When friends came to me with problems, I worked on being fully present instead of half-listening while planning what I wanted to say next. I tried putting myself in their shoes and imagining how I might feel in their situation. Over time, considering other viewpoints became second nature.
Empathy is a skill that requires continuous practice. But making the effort to understand and connect with others in a deeper way has been profoundly rewarding. My relationships are stronger and richer as a result. If you find yourself struggling with self-absorption, know that you have the power to change. Look outside yourself, open your mind to different perspectives, and watch your capacity for empathy grow
Achieving Balance Between Self-Love and Compassion
True balance comes when we love ourselves enough to give generously to others. Self-compassion allows us to recognize our imperfections without harsh judgment, freeing us to connect in meaningful ways.
Focus on healthy self-care, not excessive self-affirmation. Make time for activities that fulfil you but also give back, like volunteering or helping a friend in need.
Consider others’ perspectives daily. Ask yourself how a situation might look from another’s point of view. Listen patiently and openly when people speak to you.
Check your assumptions at the door. We often misunderstand others’ intentions, so maintain an attitude of curiosity and good faith. Give people the benefit of the doubt.
Express gratitude for others often. Thank friends for small kindnesses and large. Appreciate your loved ones for who they truly are, flaws and all.
Finally, forgive yourself and others. Let go of resentments that weigh you down. We all fall short at times, but we can always choose compassion.
Practice these habits regularly. Over time, a balance of self-love and care for others will become second nature. You’ll find joy in giving as much as receiving, and your relationships will flourish as a result.
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Final Thought: Finding a Healthy Self-Love Approach
Practicing self-love doesn’t mean focusing solely on your own needs and desires. A healthy approach to self-love involves balancing care for yourself with care for others. Here are some ways to find that balance:
- Set boundaries. Learn to say “no” when taking on more would leave you depleted. But also say “yes” to helping others from a place of strength.
- Exercise self-compassion. When you make mistakes, treat yourself with kindness rather than harsh criticism. See mistakes as opportunities for growth.
- Practice gratitude. Make it a habit to reflect on things you’re grateful for in life, both large and small. An attitude of gratitude can improve your outlook.
- Focus on character. Make an effort each day to cultivate virtues like patience, kindness and honesty. Your inner self ultimately matters more than your outward image.
- Spend time in service. Volunteering your time and skills to help others in need can boost your wellbeing while also giving back.
- Stay present. Make an effort to tune into the current moment fully rather than getting lost in thoughts of the past or future. Be “here now.”
By practicing these forms of balanced self-love, you’ll develop a healthy perspective on your own needs while also connecting more deeply with others. This virtuous cycle of care for self and others will enrich your life and relationships.
References
- Self-in-Self, Mind-in-Mind, Heart-in-Heart: The Future of Role-Taking, Perspective Taking, and Empathy by Jenny L. Davis, Tony P. Love ISBN: 978-1-78743-193-5, eISBN: 978-1-78743-192-8 Publication date: 12 August 2017
- Avoiding the Pitfalls of Overconfidence While Benefiting from the Advantages of Confidence December 2013 California Management Review 55(2):5-23 DOI:10.1525/cmr.2013.55.2.5
- Love Yourself: The Relationship of the Self with Itself in Popular Self-Help Texts by Rebecca Hazleden https://doi.org/10.1177/0004869003394006
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