Whoa there, be careful with that one. You’ve got a hunch this person in your life might be a little, shall we say, self-centered? It’s more than just thinking the world of themselves – we’re talking next level narcissism. The kind that gets nasty when they don’t get their way. Ring any bells? Read on for the tell-tale signs you’ve got a vindictive narcissist on your hands, and how to protect yourself when they start playing dirty. Spoiler alert: it’s time to cut ties. We’ll walk through how to do that as safely as possible. You deserve better – it’s time to put your wellbeing first.
Table of Contents
What Is Narcissistic Vindictiveness?
A vindictive narcissist seeks revenge against anyone who they believe has wronged them. Their ego is so fragile that any perceived insult or criticism, no matter how small, is seen as an attack. And in their eyes, revenge is the only way to regain a sense of power and control.
They Have an Exaggerated Sense of Entitlement
Narcissists feel entitled to special treatment and adoration from those around them. So if you fail to meet their unrealistic expectations or you dare to challenge them in any way, watch out. They see it as their right to retaliate against you for not giving them what they think they deserve.
They Lack Empathy
Vindictive narcissists can’t see beyond their own needs and desires. They don’t care how their actions might affect you or anyone else. All that matters is making themselves feel better by putting you down. They will go after your biggest insecurities and vulnerabilities without a shred of guilt or remorse.
They Have Fragile Self-Esteem
Underneath the grandiose exterior, most narcissists struggle with deep feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. Any perceived criticism or failure threatens to expose their weaknesses and flaws. So they lash out at others in an attempt to maintain their false sense of superiority and perfection. The vindictiveness of a narcissist knows no bounds. But by understanding what drives their spiteful behavior, you can avoid becoming a target.
Don’t feed their egos or make excuses for their actions. And if you do become the object of their wrath, set clear boundaries to protect yourself. Their vindictiveness says everything about them and nothing about you. You deserve to surround yourself with people who treat you with compassion and respect.
How to Know When a Narcissist is Vindictive
Recognizing vindictive behavior in a narcissist involves observing patterns of spiteful actions aimed at causing harm or distress to others. They may exhibit behaviors such as spreading rumors, seeking revenge for perceived slights, or attempting to undermine someone’s reputation. It’s important to maintain healthy boundaries and seek professional advice when dealing with such individuals.
1. They Hold Grudges and Don’t Forgive Easily
When a narcissist feels wronged, they can hold onto resentment for a long time. Their fragile ego. makes it difficult for them to forgive and forget. Even minor perceived slights can ignite their anger and desire for vengeance.
They Will Seek Revenge
A vindictive narcissist will look for ways to get back at you, even for small mistakes. They may spread fumors, publicly embarrass you, or manipulate situations to make you look bad. Their need to be right and come out on top means that any challenge to their ego must be addressed with retaliation. Unlike most people, their anger and desire for revenge is not temporary. They can stay resentful for years and continue to seek ways to punish you.
Apologies Won’t Fix It
Don’t expect an apology from you to make things right. While most people will accept a sincere apology and make an effort to rebuild trust, narcissists see apologies as weaknesses. Saying “I’m sorry” threatens their image of superiority and power over you. Instead of forgiving you, they will likely see an apology as an opportunity to further manipulate and take advantage of you. The healthiest approach is usually not to engage with or argue with their accusations and attacks. Respond with empathy and politeness, not aggression.
The Only Solution is Distance
The vindictive actions of a narcissist can be emotionally and mentally draining. Their grudges and desire for revenge seem to have no limits. The only way to truly avoid their wrath is to keep your distance. While you may care about this person, continuing to engage with them will likely only lead to more pain for you. The ability to forgive and forget is beyond their current capacity. Your sanity and safety depend on limiting contact with this harmful narcissist whenever possible. Stay strong in your resolve, as they will likely try to win you back only to begin the cycle of abuse all over again. Freedom from their manipulation and punishment awaits you.
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2. They Seek Revenge When Feeling Threatened
Narcissists are hypersensitive to perceived threats and slights. Their fragile ego means any criticism or challenge to their authority feels like an attack. Rather than reflect on the feedback, they lash out at the source. Watch out for signs a narcissist feels threatened, such as:
- Sudden rage or aggression directed at you. Their anger is a defense mechanism to regain control and power over you.
- Blaming and shaming. They turn the tables to make you feel like the threat, not them. Statements like “you always undermine me” or “you don’t appreciate all I do for you” are meant to make you feel guilty and back down.
- Recruiting allies. Naricists will tell their “flying monkeys” – friends and family who enable their behavior – a twisted version of events to gain sympathy and support. Anyone who takes your side will also become a target of their wrath.
- Spreading rumors and lies. In an attempt to isolate you and damage your credibility, the narcissist will spread misinformation to discredit you. They want to make you appear as the enemy, not them.
Once a narcissist’s ego feels threatened, there is little you can do to reason with them. Their vindictive quest for revenge and retaliation will likely continue until they feel they have regained control or you are no longer a threat. The healthiest option is usually to disengage from their attacks, set clear boundaries, and limit contact as much as possible. Their behavior says everything about them and nothing about you. You do not deserve to be the target of their abuse.
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3. They play the Victim and Blame Others
When things go wrong in a narcissist’s life or relationships, they will always play the victim and blame others.
They never take responsibility for their actions. In their minds, they can do no wrong. If caught in a lie or bad behavior, they will deflect and accuse others to escape accountability. You may notice that your narcissistic partner frequently blames coworkers, family members, or you for their problems or unhappiness.
Nothing is ever their fault. They may claim that their boss has it out for them or that their parents are manipulative – anyone but them. When arguing with you, they quickly turn the tables and make themselves out to be the victim, often accusing you of the very things they are guilty of.
This refusal to take responsibility for their actions is a way for the narcissist to maintain their inflated sense of self.
If they admitted fault or failure, it would shatter their delusion of perfection and grandeur. It is always easier for them to blame others than to face their own imperfections and humanity.
Over time, being the constant target of blame can wear you down and make you feel like a failure yourself.
You may find yourself frequently apologizing just to keep the peace. But no amount of apologizing will ever be enough. The narcissist will continue to blame you and make you the scapegoat for their misery. The only way to escape this cycle is to stop accepting the blame and end the relationship.
When dealing with a vindictive narcissist, be very careful. Their refusal to accept responsibility can make them dangerous enemies.
When things fall apart, as they inevitably will, the narcissist will be out for revenge. Be prepared for them to tell lies and spread rumors to destroy your reputation. They need to make you out to be the villain in order to avoid looking at their own behavior. The healthiest approach is to disengage as much as possible, ignore their drama, and work on rebuilding your own life.
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4. They Try to Turn Others Against You
When a narcissist feels wronged or threatened by you in some way, their vindictive side emerges. One of their favorite tactics is to turn other people against you through manipulation and lies.
Narcissists have no qualms about making up stories to destroy your reputation. They may spread rumors that you’re unstable, untrustworthy, or incompetent. They will lie to undermine your relationships and credibility. The narcissist wants others to view you as negatively as they do in that moment. They get a sense of power from isolating you in this way.
To gain sympathy and support, the narcissist will portray themselves as the victim. They will claim that you have wronged or mistreated them in some way. The narcissist is skilled at manipulating peoples’ emotions to get them on “their side”. Don’t be surprised if friends and family are duped into believing the narcissist’s lies and provide them comfort.
Divide and Conquer: The narcissist uses a “divide and conquer” approach to turn people against each other. They may tell different stories to different people to create conflict and division. Your mutual friends or colleagues. may even become adversaries as the narcissist fans the flames of disagreement and animosity through deceit and manipulation.
The vindictive narcissist is ruthless in their quest for revenge and control. Don’t engage or argue with the narcissist, as this will only make the situation worse. Remain calm and set clear boundaries to protect yourself. Their attempts to turn others against you say more about them than you. True friends and supporters will see the narcissist’s actions for what they really are.
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5. They Spread Lies and Rumors to Discredit You
The vindictive narcissist will stop at nothing to get revenge on you for perceived sights and wounds to their ego. One of their favorite tactics is spreading rumors and outright lies about you to discredit your reputation and turn others against you.
They may spread rumors that you’re unstable or untrustworthy to your friends and family. Don’t be surprised if people start acting strange around you or distancing themselves from you. The narcissist is manipulating them and poisoning them against you with their toxic words. They may even spread rumors about you at your workplace to damage your career and credibility.
The lies they spread will often have a grain of truth to them but be blown entirely out of proportion or taken out of context. They twist the facts to suit their needs. And because they seem so believable and trustworthy to others, their lies are often taken as truth.
You may not even realize the depth of their duplicity until the damage has already been done. But be wary if people start making odd comments or treating you differently for no apparent reason. Chances are, the narcissist has been hard at work contaminating them with their vitriol and slander.
Don’t engage or argue with the narcissist over their lies. This will only provoke them further and escalate their vindictive behavior. Remain calm and detached, and address their rumors individually with anyone who brings them up to you. Explain the true circumstances in a polite, rational manner without anger or aggression. Over time, the truth has a way of surfacing, and the narcissist’s credibility will start to sip. But remain vigilant, as they may continue to spread new rumors when the mood strikes them.
The key is not to react and to avoid stooping to their level. Remain dignified in the face of their undignified actions. Don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing how much their cruelty affects you. With patience and perseverance, you can overcome their deceit and manipulation.
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6. They Seek to Ruin Your Reputation and Relationships
Have you noticed a change in the way your friends and family perceive you lately? It’s possible the narcissist in your life has started a smear campaign against you. Narcissists are notoriously vindictive, and one of their favorite tactics is destroying your good name and connections with others. They may spread rumors, share secrets you told them in confidence, or twist the truth to make you look bad.
All with the goal of isolating you and making themselves look like the victim. Your narcissist wants people to doubt you and see you as unstable or untrustworthy. Don’t be surprised if friends start distancing themselves or avoiding you altogether based on the narcissist’s lies.
The narcissist also uses these tactics to justify their own bad behavior. By portraying you as “crazy” or “difficult”, they can get away with poor treatment of you. They may claim they had no choice but to leave or cheat on you because you were so unreasonable. This allows them to escape accountability for the harm they’ve caused.
You may not even realize the damage being done until it’s too late. But there are signs to watch for. Have you noticed a drop in communication from certain friends or felt a coldness that wasn’t there before? Do people seem to be “on the narcissist’s side” even when their actions are clearly hurtful? Your character and relationships are under attack.
The only way to combat a vindictive narcissist is through self-protection. Be very selective about what personal information you share with them. Build your connections with other supportive people. And if the narcissist succeeds in turning someone against you, accept the loss and move on. You deserve people in your life who treat you with compassion and respect.
Don’t let a narcissist rob you of that. Staying alert to a narcissist’s manipulation and defending yourself against further harm is important. But try not to internalize their attacks or let distrust of others take root in you. With time and distance, the narcissist’s lies will be revealed. The truth has a way of coming out, and your true friends will find their way back to you.
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7. They Use Triangulation and Drive Wedges Between You and Others
A vindictive narcissist will go out of their way to cause problems in your other relationships. They employ a tactic known as triangulation, where they manipulate you and another person against each other. The goal is to isolate you and make you dependent on them.
Have you noticed the narcissist in your life planting seeds of doubt about your friends or family members? They may tell you that your best friend was talking behind your back or that your sister said she doesn’t trust you. These are attempts to drive a wedge between you and your support network. Don’t fall for their manipulative tactics. Your real friends and family have your best interests at heart-the narcissist does not.
The vindictive narcissist also stirs up trouble to watch the drama unfold. They enjoy creating chaos and conflict. Don’t engage or argue with the narcissist about these situations. Remain calm and detached, and don’t let their pot-stirring influence your relationships. Reach out to the other people involved to clear the air, set the record straight, and reaffirm your connection.
Establishing boundaries is key. Don’t share personal information about your relationships or life events with the narcissist. Be wary of their charm and flattery. They may pretend to support you to get information they can use against you later. Limit contact with them as much as possible. The less they know about you, the less power they have to manipulate you and damage your relationships.
Surround yourself with people who treat you with compassion and respect. Don’t let the narcissist isolate you or make you doubt yourself. Their vindictive actions say much more about them than they do about you. You deserve so much better. Stay strong, set boundaries, and focus on the healthy relationships in your life.
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8. They Make Veiled Threats and Ultimatums
The vindictive narcissist in your life will often resort to manipulative tactics to get what they want, especially when they feel they are losing control over you. One of their favorite weapons is the ultimatum. They may say something like, “If you ever leave me, I’ll make sure you regret it.” Or, “It’s either me or them. Choose now!” These threats are meant to instill fear in you and ensure your compliance.
Don’t fall for their scare tactics. Call their bluff and stand up to them. Let them know their bullying and manipulation won’t work anymore. Be prepared for the narcissistic rage that will surely follow, but remain calm and steadfast in your decision. Their threats are usually empty, meant only to regain power over you. Once they realize their tactics aren’t working, they will often move on to a new target.
Another sinister tactic is making veiled threats that imply ominous consequences without directly stating them. Comments like, “You’ll be sorry for this!” or “I’ll make you pay for betraying me!” are meant to plant seeds of fear and doubt in your mind. The uncertainty of not knowing exactly what they have planned can be paralyzing. Again, don’t let their mind games get to you. Stand up for yourself and tell them their threats won’t work. Their scare tactics say more about their dysfunctional need for control than about you.
Staying in a relationship with a vindictive narcissist will only lead to more psychological harm. Their threats and manipulation will continue to escalate until you have no autonomy or independence left. Get out of the relationship as safely as possible and go out of contact. Let friends and family know about the situation in case the narcissist tries to retaliate. You deserve to feel safe and happy; don’t let their toxicity destroy you.
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9. They Stalk, Harass, and Invade Your Privacy
A vindictive narcissist is intensely resentful and seeks revenge against anyone they believe has insulted or rejected them. One of the signs that you’re dealing with a vengeful narcissist is if they stak, harass or invade your privacy.
Have you noticed strange cars following you or caught someone watching you from afar? Do you get anonymous calls where no one speaks on the other end? A vindictive narcissist will often stalk their targets to maintain control and instill fear. They may drive by where you live or work, monitor your social media profiles or have others check in on you. Their stalking behavior serves to make you feel powerless and anxious.
Harassment is another tactic vengeful narcissists employ. Constantly texting, calling or emailing you is a form of harassment. So is threatening or insulting you, or showing up places uninvited. Their harassment may start subtle but escalates over time, especially if you try to distance yourself from them. Setting clear boundaries and limiting contact with a vengeful narcissist is important for your safety.
Has a narcissist in your life ever gone through your personal belongings when you weren’t around? Do they snoop through your mail, check your browser history or read your messages? A vindictive narcissist has no respect for privacy or personal boundaries. They feel entitled to know everything about you and see nothing wrong with invading your privacy. Be extremely cautious about what information you share with them, as they may use it against you in the future to manipulate or blackmail you.
The actions of a vengeful narcissist are meant to frighten and control you. Don’t engage or show fear in front of them. Instead, take measures to protect yourself by setting clear boundaries, limiting contact, and alerting the authorities if you feel unsafe. You deserve to feel secure and at peace.
Fake People Have an Image to Maintain: Do They Have an Image because sometimes they feel vindictive for any other reason. Therefore, they may try to harass, stalk, or invade your privacy.
10. They Hoover You to Get Information for Future Attacks
A vindictive narcissist will go out of their way to gather information about you to use for manipulation down the road. They employ a tactic known as “hoovering” where they suck you back into their lives to pump you for details they can exploit later.
Once a narcissist has decided to discard you, they will initiate a smear campaign to destroy your reputation. They want to ensure you have no credibility if you try to expose their abusive behavior. A vindictive narcissist will hoover you back in with apologies, flattery, and promises of change solely to gather sensitive data and secrets to weaponize against you.
They may call or text you out of the blue acting friendly and interested in reconciling. Don’t fall for it. Their charm and manipulation are just an act to get you to open up so they can stab you in the back again. Remain guarded, give vague answers and don’t reveal anything deeply personal. The narcissist is not genuinely interested in you but rather focused on exploiting your weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
A vindictive narcissist also employs “flying monkeys”-people still under their influence to get information about you. They will manipulate and charm anyone who still believes their lies to dig up dirt or keep tabs on your life. Be wary of anyone acting overly interested in the details of your life or relationship after going no contact with a narcissist. Chances are, they are just a spy gathering intel for the narcissist’s next attack.
The only way to truly escape a vindictive narcissist’s abuse is through no contact. Don’t let their hoovering and manipulation suck you back in. They will never change but will only continue the cycle of abuse by using the information and access you provide against you. Cut all ties and surround yourself with people who truly care about your well-being. The narcissist will eventually lose interest once they realize you will no longer supply them with narcissistic supplies.
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How to Protect Yourself From a Vindictive Narcissist:
Spotting a vindictive narcissist early on can help you avoid their manipulation and abuse. Be wary if someone constantly brags about themselves, demands constant praise and admiration, or believes they are superior to others.
Once you identify a vindictive narcissist, protect yourself by setting clear boundaries. Don’t engage or argue with them, as this will only provoke their hostility. Calmly and politely tell them their behavior is unacceptable, then disengage from the interaction. Limit contact with them as much as possible. Don’t share personal details about yourself that could be used against you later.
Build your self-confidence from the inside out. A vindictive narcissist will target your insecurities and self-doubt to make you feel worthless, so work on accepting and loving yourself. Surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you are. Their cruel words only have power over you if you give them power.
Vindictive narcissists may try to isolate you from others who threaten their control over you. Don’t let them cut you off from people who love and support you. Maintain your outside relationships and friendships to avoid dependence on the narcissist. Ask others for input to gain a balanced perspective – a vindictive narcissist will try to make you doubt your own judgment and perception of events.
Stay calm and logical rather than getting emotional Respond to the narcissist in a neutral, fact-based manner. Don’t show fear, anxiety or distress at their threats and manipulation. Showing emotion only rewards their behavior and encourages them to provoke you further. Remain detached from their drama and mind games.
Be extremely cautious about how much you share on social media. A vindictive narcissist may monitor your accounts to gain information they can use against you. Be wary of new online “friends” who ask a lot of personal questions. Limit posts about your relationships, job, children, and daily activities. Your privacy and safety depend on your discretion in the digital world.
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Conclusion
So in closing, if any of these warning signs ring a bell, trust your gut. You know this person better than anyone. While we all have our flaws, if someone in your life seems to constantly cross the line into crazyville, don’t ignore it. Life is too short for that nonsense. Protect your peace. Set boundaries, or walk away if needed. Don’t let their issues become your issues. You deserve to be around people who make you feel good. Listen to your intuition and do what’s best for you.
References
- Vindictive Narcissist: What to Look Out For and How to Protect Yourself / By MantraCare
- Vindictive Narcissists: 10 Signs & How to Handle One Published: January 26, 2023 Author: Hailey Shafir, LCMHCS, LPCS, LCAS, CCS
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