You’ve probably wondered why you let people walk all over you. Why you avoid confrontation at all costs. Why would you rather keep the peace than speak your mind. It’s frustrating, right? You don’t want to be a doormat, but you can’t seem to help it. The truth is, there are some sneaky psychological forces behind your submissive tendencies. Things you’d never expect are subtly shaping your personality:
In this article, we’ll uncover four surprising causes of submissive behavior so you can start asserting yourself. With a little self-awareness, you can stop being a pushover and take control. Let’s dive in and find out where your deferential nature really comes from!
Table of Contents
What Does It Mean to Be Submissive?
When people describe you as submissive, it means you tend to be passive and accommodating towards others. As a submissive person, you usually avoid confrontation and put other people’s needs before your own.
You Have Trouble Saying “No”. Do you feel guilty when you have to say no to someone or turn down a request? Submissive individuals often struggle with setting boundaries and feel like they need to please everyone. Learning how to say no in a polite yet assertive manner is an important skill for submissive people to develop.
You Seek Approval From Others. Submissive personalities usually care a great deal about what other people think of them. You may find yourself constantly seeking approval and validation from friends, family members, coworkers, and even strangers. However, relying too heavily on the approval of others can be emotionally draining and damaging to your self-esteem.
You avoid conflict. For submissive people, any type of conflict or confrontation can be anxiety-provoking. You tend to shy away from expressing disagreement or anger towards others. While avoiding conflict may seem like the easiest option, it often means bottling up negative feelings that can build resentment over time. Finding constructive ways to address issues with others is key to developing assertiveness.
You lack self-confidence. Submissive individuals frequently doubt themselves and their abilities. You may feel like you are not good enough or that your needs and opinions do not matter as much as those of others. Building self-confidence involves learning to value yourself, set small goals, acknowledge your achievements, accept compliments with gratitude, and pursue your own interests and hobbies. With time and practice, you can overcome feelings of self-doubt and become more confident.
In summary, being submissive refers to a tendency to be overly eager to please, passive, and self-sacrificing. However, submissiveness is a learned behavior, not a fixed personality trait. By improving skills like assertiveness, boundary-setting, and self-confidence, you can develop a balanced and healthy outlook.
What Causes a Submissive Personality
A submissive personality is characterized by a lack of assertiveness and a preference for yielding to others. People with submissive personalities are often seen as meek or shy, and they may have difficulty standing up for themselves. However, it’s essential to recognize that there is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to defining a submissive personality. Let’s explore this type further:
1. Childhood Experiences That Lead to Submissiveness
The way you were raised as a child has a huge influence on your personality as an adult. Some experiences in childhood can foster a submissive personality that persists into adulthood.
Lack of Control or Choice: If you grew up in an environment where you had little freedom or control over your own choices, it likely made you feel powerless. This can translate into submissive behavior as an adult, where you have a hard time asserting yourself or feel uncomfortable taking control. Perhaps you had overprotective or controlling parents who didn’t allow you much independence or autonomy.
Harsh Punishment for Self-Expression: Were you often punished, criticized, or made to feel ashamed for expressing your needs, opinions, or individuality as a child? This type of environment teaches you from an early age to repress your own thoughts and feelings in order to please others. It’s no wonder this can lead to a submissive personality that carries into adulthood.
Conditional Love and Approval: If you received love, praise or approval from your caregivers only when you obeyed or behaved in a certain way, you learned that compliance equals rewards. This conditions you from childhood to seek approval by following orders and being obedient. In turn, you develop a submissive tendency to please others at the expense of your own needs in order to gain love and acceptance.
The good news is that you can overcome a submissive personality by building self-confidence and learning to express yourself in healthy ways. However, recognizing these formative experiences from childhood is an important first step. Awareness of how you developed this trait can help you better address it and make positive changes. With work and practice, you can reframe those old lessons and become more assertive and self-assured.
2. The Role of Genetics and Biology in Shaping Your Personality
Nature vs. Nurture: There is an age-old debate about whether our personality and behavior are shaped more by nature (our genetic makeup) or nurture (our environment and experiences). The truth is, it’s a combination of both. Studies suggest that genetics account for about half of the variability in personality. So, your submissive tendencies may be partly inherited.
Hormone Levels: The biological mechanisms underlying personality are complex. However, some research points to the role of certain hormones, like serotonin, in trait submissiveness. Serotonin is often called the “happy chemical” because it helps regulate mood and makes you feel good. Some studies show that people who score higher in submissiveness tend to have lower levels of serotonin activity in the brain.
Brain Structure: Your personality is also linked to the physical structure and connections in your brain. Submissive individuals often have differences in areas of the brain involved in processing emotions, rewards, and social information. For example, submissive people may have a smaller insula, which is involved in self- awareness and emotional regulation. They also tend to have stronger connections between brain regions involved in processing social cues and rewards.
While biology is not destiny, understanding the genetic and biological factors that contribute to your personality can help shed light on why you think, feel, and act the way you do. The good news is, nurture also strongly shapes personality, so you can work to cultivate the traits and habits that you want, even if they don’t come naturally. With conscious effort and practice, you can become more assertive and confident over time.
3. How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Behavior
The way you attached to your primary caregivers as an infant has a profound impact on your behavior and personality as an adult. If you had attentive, responsive caretakers, you likely developed a secure attachment style. However, if your needs were not consistently met with warmth and care, you may have an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style.
Anxious Attachment: If you crave closeness but also worry about being abandoned, you may have an anxious attachment style. You tend to be overly dependent on the approval and affection of others and feel distressed when a partner is unavailable or unresponsive. This can drive submissive behavior as you try to please others to win their love and validation. Learning to value yourself, set boundaries, and self-soothe anxiety can help build assertiveness and independence.
Avoidant Attachment: Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to be emotionally distant and reluctant to depend on others. You may have learned as a child that you could not rely on your caretakers to meet your needs. As a result, you avoid intimacy and vulnerability, striving to seem independent and invulnerable. However, beneath the surface you may feel lonely and crave closeness. Recognizing these feelings and learning to open up to trustworthy others can help you develop healthier relationships.
Disorganized Attachment: If your childhood was chaotic or traumatic, you may have developed a disorganized attachment style. You likely feel confused about intimacy and have trouble managing emotional distress. Your behavior may seem erratic as you swing between clinginess and withdrawal. Building a coherent sense of self through therapy and learning coping strategies to manage distress can help you engage in relationships in a more stable, assertive manner.
In summary, the attachment style you developed as a child has a significant impact on your behavior and personality as an adult. However, attachment styles are not static; with awareness and effort, you can develop a secure attachment and the ability to engage in relationships in a healthy, interdependent way.
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4. The Impact of Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
Negative Self-Talk: When you have low self-esteem, that critical inner voice is constantly putting you down and making you feel unworthy. You may find yourself thinking things like, “I’m so stupid,” “I can’t do anything right,” or “No one really likes me.” This negative self-talk eats away at your confidence and sense of self-worth, making you feel like you don’t deserve to stand up for yourself or say no.
Fear of Rejection: If you don’t value yourself, you’ll be terrified of rejection from others because their opinion is the only one that matters. You’ll go along with what they want to avoid the possibility of them leaving or lashing out at you. But the truth is, their treatment of you says more about them. You cannot control others, you can only control your reactions and boundaries.
Lack of Boundaries: When you don’t know your own worth, you have no boundaries. You’ll let people walk all over you and take advantage of your kindness. Learn to say no, and stand up for yourself in a respectful way. Don’t be afraid to communicate your needs and limits to others. Healthy relationships are but on mutual respect.
If you find yourself struggling with a submissive personality due to low self-esteem, the good news is that you have the power to turn it around. Challenge that critical inner voice with positive affirmations. Do things each day that boost your confidence from small wins and accomplishments. Spend less time worrying what others think and more time nurturing your own needs and dreams. You deserve to take up space in this world and be truly happy. Believe in yourself, and others will too.
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5. Social and Cultural Norms That Encourage Submissiveness
Whether you realize it or not, there are many subtle social and cultural influences that promote submissive behavior. From an early age, many of us are taught that it’s better to be seen and not heard. We’re told not to question authority figures like parents, teachers, and bosses. Instead, we learn to follow the rules and not make waves..
These kinds of social norms and expectations teach us from an early age that submissive and compliant behavior is valued. We may not even recognize how much these influences affect our own tendencies towards submissiveness as adults. Some of the biggest culprits include:
- Gender roles and stereotypes. Traditional gender roles often cast women as more submissive and encourage men to be dominant and assertive. These stereotypes shape our behaviors and self-image from childhood.
- Cultural values. Some cultures place a higher value on harmony, deference to authority, and group cohesion than individuality. If you grew up in a culture like this, you may have learned to prioritize the needs of others over your own.
- Family dynamics. The dynamics in your own family can also encourage submissive behavior. For example, if one or both of your parents were controlling or demanded obedience, you may have learned at an early age that compliance was the only way to gain love and approval.
- Bullying and abuse. Unfortunately, many submissive adults were victims of bullying, emotional abuse, or physical abuse during childhood.
To protect themselves, they learned to appease their abusers through submission and loss of self. These dynamics often persist into adulthood. The influences that shape our personalities and behaviors are complex. But by recognizing the social and cultural norms that encourage submissiveness, you can start to break free of them. You have the power to define your own self-worth and choose behaviors that reflect your true self. While it will take conscious effort, you can overcome a lifetime of conditioning by learning assertiveness and practicing self-confidence each and every day.
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6. Subconscious Beliefs That Keep You Stuck
A lot of what causes you to feel submissive stems from deep-seated beliefs you may not even realize you have. These subconscious convictions, mindsets and assumptions were often installed in childhood and continue to drive your behavior today. Identifying and challenging these beliefs is key to gaining more confidence and control over your life.
You may believe you’re not good enough. If you grew up with constant criticism, neglect, or lack of affection, you likely developed an inner feeling of inadequacy. This belief causes you to feel like you have to please others and be overly compliant to win approval. Recognize that those voices of self-doubt are not the truth. You are worthy and deserving of respect.
You may believe you’re powerless. If you felt controlled or helpless as a child, you may have learned to feel you have no influence or control over your circumstances. This makes it hard to stand up for yourself or say no when you need to. But the truth is, you have far more power and choice now as an adult. You can choose how you respond to situations and set boundaries.
You may believe your needs don’t matter. If your needs were ignored or you were expected to put others first as a child, you may feel guilty for prioritizing your own needs now. But your needs, wants, and happiness are just as important as anyone else’s. Make a habit of checking in with yourself about what you need and value, and practice self-care.
These beliefs often persist because they’re familiar and subconscious, but that doesn’t make them true or helpful. Challenge negative thoughts, practice positive self-talk, set small boundaries, and take note of your strengths. As you build self-awareness and confidence from the inside out, you’ll find your tendency toward submissive behavior starts to fade.
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7. How Mental Health Issues Can Contribute to Submissiveness
Mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem can make some people more prone to submissive behavior. When your mental health isn’t in a good place, it’s hard to feel empowered and advocate for your own needs.
If you struggle with anxiety, you may constantly doubt yourself and your abilities. This can make it difficult to stand up for yourself or say no to others’ requests out of fear of causing conflict or disappointment. Depression often comes with feelings of low self-worth, inadequacy, and a lack of control over your life. When you don’t value yourself, you have trouble setting boundaries and end up being overly accommodating to win the approval of others.
Childhood trauma, neglect or abuse are also linked to the development of a submissive personality. If you grew up in an environment where your own needs and feelings were neglected or you felt powerless, you likely learned from an early age to put other people’s needs first. This coping mechanism then carries over into your adult relationships and interactions.
The good news is that with treatment such as therapy, counseling, or medication, you can improve your mental health and build confidence from the inside out. As you learn to challenge negative thoughts about yourself, practice self-care, and set small boundaries, you’ll start to feel more empowered. You’ll realize you have a choice in how you respond to others, and you don’t have to simply submit to their demands or expectations. It will take time and practice, but improving your mental health and self-esteem is key to overcoming unhealthy submissiveness.
8. Submissiveness as a Learned Coping Mechanism
As children, many of us learned from an early age to be overly compliant and eager to please as a way to cope with difficult circumstances. If you grew up in an unstable or controlling environment, submissiveness may have been a survival mechanism you developed to adapt.
Some signs you may have learned submissiveness as a coping strategy:
- You had overprotective or controlling parents who didn’t allow you much independence or autonomy. To avoid punishment or earn rewards, you learned to do what you were told without question.
- There was frequent conflict, chaos, or uncertainty in your early home environment. Behaving submissively and avoiding confrontation was a way to create some semblance of stability and security.
- Your needs and emotions were often ignored or devalued. You discovered that submissively going along with the needs and demands of others was the only way to get any attention or affection.
- You were made to feel that your worth depended on pleasing others. This belief has stayed with you and still drives your submissive tendencies today.
- You feel anxiety and discomfort when others are upset with you or you have to say “no.” Your subconscious has learned that submissiveness equals safety and conflict equals danger.
The good news is that these learned behaviors can be unlearned by developing awareness of their roots, setting healthy boundaries, and rebuilding your self-esteem from the inside out. It will take conscious effort and practice, but you can overcome a lifetime of larned submissiveness by learning to value yourself, speak up for your needs, and not let the demands of others dictate your worth or decisions. With time and dedication, you can transform from a submissive personality into an assertive and self-assured one.
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9. Submission Caused by Emotional Trauma
Emotional trauma in childhood or adulthood can significantly contribute to feelings of submissiveness and difficulty asserting oneself. Unresolved trauma often leads to lower self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, anxiety and depression – all of which can manifest as excessive compliance and people- pleasing tendencies.
Some signs emotional trauma may be at the root of your submissiveness:
- You experienced physical, sexual or emotional abuse as a child. The trauma has left you fearful of conflict or disapproval, so you tend to acquiesce to the demands of others.
- You went through a traumatic event as an adult, like a serious accident, assault, or loss of a loved one. This trauma has left you feeling insecure, disempowered and reluctant to stand up for yourself.
- You have symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, like flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, and avoidance behaviors. These PTSD symptoms may be driving you to seek safety through submissiveness.
If emotional trauma is the underlying cause of your submissive tendencies, professional therapy can be incredibly helpful. With the guidance of a trauma-informed therapist, you can:
- Process and make sense of the trauma through talking and writing exercises
- Develop coping skills to manage trauma-related symptoms
- Gain insight into how the trauma has shaped your beliefs about yourself and others
- Build self-esteem, assertiveness and boundaries that were disrupted by the trauma
Healing from emotional trauma takes time, but it can transform your life, empowering you to develop healthier relationships and a more authentic sense of self. Don’t hesitate to seek professional support if you suspect unresolved trauma may be at the root of your submissive behaviors. The journey to reclaiming your sense of worth and voice begins with that first step.
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Tips for Overcoming a Submissive Personality
Here are some practical tips to help you overcome a submissive personality:
- Speak up when something bothers you, even if it’s minor. Practice voicing your needs, opinions and boundaries in harmless situations. Over time, this will get easier.
- Set boundaries with others instead of always saying “yes” When people ask for your help, consider saying “no” on occasion to build confidence in asserting yourself.
- Learn to compromise instead of always giving in. Work on negotiating and finding middle ground that works for both parties. This will balance assertiveness with cooperation.
- Practice positive self-talk to combat negative thoughts. Replace thoughts like “T’m too weak” with more empowering messages like “I can find my voice” and “I deserve to be heard.”
- Look for role models who exhibit healthy assertiveness. Study how they communicate their needs while still being respectful, and consider applying similar techniques in your own life.
- Join a support group for individuals recovering from issues like trauma, abuse or low self-esteem. The encouragement and strategies shared can accelerate your progress.
- Seek therapy if needed to uncover and heal the root causes of your submissive tendencies. A therapist can provide guidance, coping skills and accountability to help you transform negative patterns.
Small steps added up over time can make a huge impact. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work towards finding a healthier balance of assertiveness and cooperation. The most important thing is to keep practicing speaking up; it will get easier with time.
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Conclusion
While submissive tendencies often develop gradually over time, the journey to overcoming them also begins with small steps. Regular practice of asserting yourself in safe situations, speaking your truth, and setting boundaries can slowly boost your confidence. With patience and compassion for yourself, long-held submissive patterns can transform, empowering you to develop healthier relationships built on mutual respect.
References
- 11.3 Is Personality More Nature or More Nurture? Behavioral and Molecular Genetics
- Recall of threat and submissiveness in childhood: Development of a new scale and its relationship with depression, social comparison and shame
- How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Emotion Regulation & Relationships
- Dependent Personality Disorder By Mark Zimmerman , , MD, Rhode Island Hospital
- Fight, flight, attachment cry, freeze or submit: Adult responses to childhood trauma Posted by Dr. Patricia Turner, Ph.D., R.Psych.
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