Listen up, because this is for anyone who’s ever struggled with an emotionally unavailable friend, partner, or family member. You know the type – the person who never opens up or lets you in even though you care about them deeply. It’s frustrating, right? You want to connect on a real level, but it’s like hitting a brick wall every time you try. Well, you’ve come to the right place.
In this article, we’ll walk through some tried-and-true techniques to improve communication with the emotionally unavailable people in your life. You’ll learn how to identify signs of emotional unavailability, adjust your own expectations, and draw out the other person gradually. We’ll also talk about when to walk away if your efforts just aren’t working. The goal here is to give you tools to build meaningful relationships with those distant folks you care about. Stick with us – help is on the way.
Table of Contents
Why People Become Emotionally Unavailable
Ever wonder why that friend never seems to open up or that family member just can’t express how they really feel? Emotional unavailability often develops as a coping mechanism in response to hurtful experiences.
Trust Issues. Past betrayals or heartbreak can damage someone’s ability to trust and connect. After being hurt too many times, it just seems safer to avoid emotional intimacy altogether.
Low Self-Esteem. Feeling unloved or not good enough during childhood can make it hard to believe others could care for you now. Rather than risk rejection, it’s easier to just avoid meaningful connections.
Fear of Vulnerability. Expressing emotions openly requires vulnerability, and that can be scary. Emotionally unavailable people would rather bottle up their feelings than risk feeling exposed or out of control.
Learned Behavior. Sometimes emotional unavailability is a learned behavior, picked up from parents or role models who also struggled to share their feelings. Without better examples, it’s challenging to develop emotional intimacy in relationships.
The reasons for emotional unavailability are complex. But understanding the root causes can help in interacting with and supporting emotionally unavailable loved ones. With patience, compassion, and the willingness to challenge their avoidance, you may find their walls slowly coming down.
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How to Deal with Someone Who is Emotionally Unavailable
Dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable can be challenging. It’s important to approach the situation with understanding and without blame. Recognizing the signs of emotional unavailability is crucial, such as a lack of emotional expression or avoidance of deep conversations. Strategies to cope include communicating your needs clearly, setting boundaries, and seeking to understand the underlying causes of their emotional barriers, which often stem from past experiences. Patience and self-care are also key, as is the decision about whether you can accept the relationship as it is or if you need more emotional connection. If the situation becomes too difficult to handle, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor.
1. Recognizing Signs of Emotional Unavailability
If someone in your life is emotionally unavailable, you’ll start to notice certain signs. Lack of intimacy. Emotionally unavailable people struggle with closeness and vulnerability. They shy away from meaningful conversations and prefer superficial small talk. Don’t expect heart-to-hearts or emotional support from them.
Poor communication. They’re terrible listeners and rarely share details about themselves. Getting them to open up is like pulling teeth. Texts and calls often go unreturned for days.
Avoiding commitment. Whether it’s making plans, committing to a relationship, or setting future goals, emotionally unavailable people run from commitment like the plague. They’ll make excuses why now isn’t a good time or they just “aren’t ready.”
Focusing on themselves. Emotionally unavailable people tend to be self-centered and have a hard time seeing other perspectives. They lack empathy and compassion for your needs and feelings.
Unpredictable behavior. Their actions and words often don’t match. One day they’re warm and affectionate, the next they’re cold and distant. This unpredictable behavior leaves you feeling confused, anxious, and insecure.
Blaming others. They frequently make excuses for their hurtful behavior and point the finger at you or external circumstances. They have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions and the pain they cause.
Learning to spot these signs will help you determine if someone in your life is emotionally unavailable so you can decide if the relationship is right for you. Though changing them may be futile, you always have the power to establish boundaries, speak your truth, and control your own availability in response.
2. Understanding Why They Are Emotionally Unavailable
When dealing with an emotionally unavailable person, it’s important to understand why they act the way they do. Their behavior isn’t about you-it’s a result of their own experiences and coping mechanisms.
Childhood trauma
Many emotionally unavailable people grew up in environments where they didn’t feel safe expressing emotions. Perhaps their parents were distant or punished them for showing feelings. As a result, they learned to shut down emotionally to protect themselves. They carry this survival mechanism into adulthood, even when it’s no longer needed.
Low self-esteem
Those with low self-esteem often don’t believe they deserve love or healthy relationships. They may crave intimacy but feel unworthy of it at the same time. This inner conflict causes them to send mixed signals or create distance in relationships. Building self-esteem and learning self-love are important steps towards becoming emotionally available.
Fear of commitment
Some emotionally unavailable individuals fear commitment and the vulnerability that comes with emotional intimacy. The prospect of relying on someone else and being truly known by another person stirs up anxiety and avoidance. They worry that if they open up and commit to someone, they’ll end up hurt or disappointed. This fear-based mindset, often rooted in past experiences, is something that can be overcome with conscious effort and professional support.
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The reasons behind someone’s unavailability are complex and personal. But understanding the “why” can help you respond with compassion instead of taking their actions personally. It may also open the door for honest conversations about the underlying issues, and whether the relationship is something you both want to work to improve.
3. Setting Healthy Boundaries Around Emotional Needs
Recognize that you cannot change someone else’s behavior or make them emotionally available-you can only control your own reactions and boundaries. Be clear in communicating your needs and limits. Say something like:
“I care about you, but I need to also care for myself. I won’t be available at a moment’s notice or for constant emotional support.”
Don’t make excuses for their lack of emotional availability or blame yourself. You deserve relationships where your feelings and needs matter. Spend less time with this person and fill your life with others who can meet your emotional needs. Make new friends or pick up a hobby where you can find emotional fulfillment. The more you rely on this person, the more their unavailability will hurt you.
Be prepared for manipulation or accusations of selfishness. Stay calm and reiterate your limits: “My boundaries are not a judgment of you. I hope we can have a respectful relationship within these limits.” Check in on yourself regularly and watch for signs of stress or hurt. Are you constantly anxious, worried, or feeling rejected or not good enough? If so, you may need to pull back even more. Your mental health should be the top priority here.
Don’t expect change. Accept this person as they are instead of hoping they will become emotionally available someday. Either appreciate them for the good parts of your relationship, or if the pain outweighs the good, consider ending contact. You deserve relationships where you feel heard, supported, and cared for. Setting limits with the emotionally unavailable is an act of self-care and empowerment. Stay strong in advocating for your own needs.
4. Improving Communication to Create Emotional Intimacy
Communication is key to connecting emotionally with someone who keeps you at arm’s length. Start by listening without judgment and validating their feelings. Say something like, “I can understand why you feel that way.” This shows you empathize with them, even if you don’t fully understand their perspective.
Ask open-ended questions to get them talking, but don’t pry. Focus on the here and now, not their past or deepest secrets. For example, ask how their day was or what they enjoy doing for fun. Look for subtle cues that they want to share more, like prolonged eye contact or leaning in as they speak. If they seem receptive, share a bit about yourself too by discussing your interests, hobbies, or events in your own life.
Express your needs clearly but gently. Tell them what you need to feel close, but do so with care. Say “I feel disconnected when we don’t talk for days” rather than accusing them of being unavailable. Explain how their behavior impacts you without criticism. Be specific by using “T” statements and sharing recent examples. Ask if they’re willing to compromise by staying in more regular contact. However, avoid demands, ultimatums and clingy behavior which will likely backfire.
With time and practice, they may start to open up at their own pace. But ultimately, you can’t force someone into emotional intimacy. You can only communicate your needs, set healthy boundaries, and decide if the relationship is right for you. With empathy, honesty and patience, you have the best chance of connecting with someone emotionally unavailable. But change, if it happens at all, will be gradual. The choice is up to you.
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5. Working on Yourself First Before Fixing Others
Before you can expect an emotionally unavailable person to change, you need to work on yourself. Focus on building your confidence from within rather than seeking validation from others.
Love Yourself. You can’t control how others treat you, but you can control how you view yourself. Practice positive self-talk, be kind to yourself, and pursue own interests. Don’t let your worth depend on the unavailable person. When you love yourself, their actions won’t devastate you. Set Boundaries Decide what you will and won’t tolerate, and communicate those limits clearly. Be prepared to walk away if those boundaries are crossed. Setting boundaries also means not making excuses for the other person or expecting them to change. You can’t force someone to open up emotionally.
Don’t Take the Bait. Emotionally unavailable people often pick fights or create drama to avoid intimacy. Don’t engage or get defensive. Stay calm and reiterate your limits. Their behavior says more about them than you.
Focus on You. Keep busy with your own life and the people who treat you well. Pursue your hobbies, career, friendships, and health. The less you focus on the unavailable person, the less power they have over you. In time, their unwillingness to commit may hurt less as your own life becomes more fulfilling. While you can’t make someone change, you can choose to surround yourself with people who enrich your life. By nurturing your self-confidence and independence, emotionally unavailable individuals won’t be able to destabilize you. You deserve relationships where you feel heard, valued, and loved. Don’t settle for less.
6. Deciding whether to accept or go
Accept the Situation. The first step is accepting this person likely won’t change. Emotionally unavailable people often stay that way. As much as you care about them, you can’t force someone to open up emotionally. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to change them or waiting around hoping they’ll become emotionally available.
Evaluate Your Needs. Think about what you really want and need in a relationship. Do you need emotional intimacy and support? Or are you content with less emotional connection? There’s no “right” answer, but be honest with yourself. If emotional support is important to you, this relationship may continue leaving you unfulfilled.
Communicate Your Feelings. Have an open, honest conversation about where you both stand. Tell them you’ve noticed they seem emotionally unavailable, and you want to understand if they see it too and if they’re willing or able to work on improving emotional intimacy. Their reaction will tell you a lot. If they get defensive or blame you, that’s a sign they likely won’t change. But if they acknowledge the issue and express a willingness to try, there’s hope.
Set a Timeline. Don’t stay in an unhappy situation indefinitely. Give the relationship a few months to see if things improve, with clear communication and effort on both sides. But if after several months there’s been no progress, it may be time to accept this person can’t meet your needs. As hard as it is, leaving could help you both find more compatible partners.
The choice is ultimately up to you. But by being honest with yourself about your needs, communicating openly, and not staying longer than is reasonable, you can make the healthiest decision for your happiness and emotional well-being.
7. Rebuilding Your Confidence
When dealing with emotionally unavailable people, your confidence can take a hit. Don’t let their issues drag you down. Focus on rebuilding your self-esteem by:
Shift your mindset. Remind yourself that their actions say more about them than about you. You are worthy and deserving of love. Do not internalize their behavior or let it define your self-worth.
Set small goals and acknowledge your wins. Do things each day that make you feel good about yourself like exercising, pursuing a hobby, or engaging in an act of kindness. Celebrate achieving those goals to build yourself back up.
Lean on your support network. Connecting to close ones who love and appreciate you can help boost your morale. Call a friend or family member and talk about the situation. Let them remind you of your best qualities.
Practice self-care. Make sure to engage in regular acts of self-care like taking a bath, reading a book, meditating, or whatever helps you decompress and de-stress. Taking good care of yourself will improve your confidence and mood.
Learn to say no. Do not let this person take advantage of you or overstep your boundaries. Politely but firmly tell them “no” when they make unreasonable requests. Establishing boundaries will make you feel more in control and confident.
Do things you’re good at. Engage in hobbies, activities, sports or games that you excel in. Achieving mastery or progress in an area you value builds self-esteem.
With time and conscious effort, you can overcome the effects of their emotional unavailability and build your confidence back stronger than before. Stay focused on self-improvement and surround yourself with people who love you for who you are. You’ve got this!
8. Knowing When to Walk Away From an Emotionally Unavailable Person
At some point, you have to accept that the emotionally unavailable person in your life may never change. As hard as it is, walking away may be the healthiest choice for you.
You’ve tried communicating your needs to them time and again, but they just don’t seem to get it. They continue to be distant, avoid intimacy, and make excuses to not commit to the relationship. Your emotional and mental wellbeing is suffering as a result.
Ask yourself if staying in this unhealthy dynamic is worth it. Do you want to keep feeling rejected, neglected and lonely? You deserve so much more. While walking away won’t be easy, choosing to remove yourself from the situation will allow you to heal and open yourself up to finding someone who can meet your needs.
Some signs it’s time to end things:
- You feel more stressed and anxious than happy and fulfilled.
- You’ve lost trust and confidence in the relationship.
- Your self-esteem has taken a hit from their lack of affection or interest in you.
- You find yourself constantly making excuses for their behavior or poor treatment of you.
- The relationship feels one-sided, unsupportive and unfulfilling.
- You realize you deserve so much better.
As the saying goes, “You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue in their actions.” You’ve done what you can, but now it’s time to choose YOU. Walking away will be hard, but staying will only do more damage. Surround yourself with your true supporters, keep busy, and try to maintain an optimistic outlook. In time, the pain will fade, and you’ll be open to finding a healthy, committed relationship where your needs are met. You’ve got this! Stay strong.
Tips to Avoid Emotionally Unavailable Partners in the Future
Once you’ve ended things with an emotionally unavailable person, it’s time to reflect on the experience and make sure you don’t end up in a similar situation again. Here are some tips to help you avoid emotionally unavailable partners down the road:
Take things slow. Don’t rush into a new relationship right away. Take time to heal and work on yourself first. When you do start dating again, go slowly and look for red flags before getting seriously involved.
Value emotional intimacy. Make sure any new partner is able to open up emotionally, share feelings, be vulnerable, and connect with you on a deeper level. If they struggle with emotional intimacy, it likely won’t work out in the long run.
Watch for mixed signals. Someone who is emotionally available will be clear and consistent in their communication and affection towards you. Mixed signals, lack of follow through and constantly changing plans are signs they may not be ready to commit.
Make sure their words and actions match. Pay close attention to whether or not their words and actions align. Someone saying they want a relationship but not actually making the effort or prioritizing you is a red flag. Look for partners who show how they feel through their behavior.
Don’t ignore your needs. Be aware of your own emotional needs and don’t ignore them for the sake of a relationship. Make sure any new partner is able and willing to meet your needs for closeness, intimacy, communication and quality time together.
Love yourself first. Focus on your self-confidence, independence and happiness from within. Don’t rely on a relationship alone to fulfill you emotionally. When you love yourself, you’ll have higher standards for partners and won’t settle for less than you deserve.
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Creating a Support System to Cope With an Emotionally Distant Partner
When dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner, surrounding yourself with a strong support system is key. Lean on close friends and family members who love and support you. Let them be there for you when you need to vent or want reassurance.
Build connections with others who understand what you’re going through. Join an online support group to find empathy and advice. Hearing from people in similar situations can help reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation. You may even pick up some useful coping strategies.
Make sure to also engage in self-care. Exercise, eat healthy and pursue your own hobbies and interests. Don’t let your happiness depend solely on your partner. Stay socially active and do things that boost your confidence and self-esteem.
Seeking counseling or therapy can also help give you the tools to handle emotional unavailability in a healthy way. A professional can provide perspective and help you set boundaries to protect yourself. They can also give you strategies to improve communication and address underlying relationship issues.
While you work on the relationship, build up your independence. Don’t drop everything for your partner or always be readily available whenever they want your attention. Place value on your own needs and priorities. Becoming too emotionally reliant on someone who cannot meet your needs often leads to feelings of neediness, clinginess and inadequacy.
Maintaining your self-confidence and independence will make their emotional distance feel less hurtful. And if the relationship does end, you’ll be in a better position to move on knowing you did everything you could and stayed true to yourself. But with work, emotionally unavailable partners can become more open and engaged. With patience and the right support, you can get through this challenging time.
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Conclusion
So there you have it – some tips and strategies for dealing with emotionally unavailable people. While it’s frustrating, remember that their behavior likely stems from their own issues and past hurts. Don’t take it personally. Focus on looking after yourself, communicate clearly, set boundaries, and don’t get over-invested. If it’s a romantic partner, seriously consider whether this relationship is right for you long-term. Emotional unavailability takes a toll. You deserve to feel loved, valued and understood. If those needs aren’t being met, it may be healthiest to walk away. Your well-being matters. You’ve got this!
References
- 11 signs that you’re dating an emotionally unavailable person And what to do about it BY ALYSSA GIRDWAINUPDATED: 05 JULY 2023
- The Truth About Being Emotionally Unavailable & How to Open Up by Alix Needham
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