How to Stop Being Selfish in a Relationship & Showing Up Fully

You didn’t mean to become selfish. It crept in slowly—between the late replies, the defensiveness during arguments, the quiet moments when your partner needed you, but you couldn’t meet them fully.

Maybe you’re here because you’ve been told, “You always make it about yourself.” Or maybe you’re the one who’s begun to wonder, “Am I really showing up for them—or just protecting myself?”

Whatever brought you here, let’s get something clear: Not all selfishness is the same.

Sometimes, it’s blunt and obvious—taking more than you give, refusing to listen, needing to win every argument.
But sometimes, it wears softer clothes:

• The fear of being vulnerable
• The instinct to shut down before you’re hurt
• The quiet belief that if you give too much, you’ll lose yourself

One comes from entitlement. The other? From pain.
But both can damage a relationship when left unspoken.

This post isn’t about labeling you. It’s about understanding you. And helping you unlearn the patterns—whether born from self-centeredness or self-preservation—that keep love from growing the way it should.

Because love doesn’t just need passion. It needs presence. And the courage to see your partner not as an extension of yourself—but as someone just as real, just as tender, and just as deserving of care.

By the end of this piece, you won’t just learn how to stop being selfish. You’ll learn how to love in a way that honors your needs and theirs—without losing your soul in the process.

Let’s begin—with truth, with care, and most importantly, with you.

What It Really Means to Be Selfish in Love

Selfishness in a relationship isn’t always loud. It doesn’t always look like yelling, taking up all the space, or insisting on being right. Sometimes, it’s subtle. Almost invisible—even to you.

It can show up as:

• Prioritizing your preferences without thinking about how it affects your partner
• Avoiding emotional conversations because they make you uncomfortable
• Constantly expecting support, but rarely offering it in return
• Believing your feelings matter more—because they’re louder, messier, or more urgent

But not all selfishness comes from arrogance or control. Sometimes, it comes from something much quieter: fear.

The fear of being hurt.
The fear of giving too much and getting nothing back.
The fear that if you don’t protect yourself, no one else will.

In those moments, selfishness isn’t about thinking you’re more important—it’s about forgetting that your partner is just as human as you.

Here’s the heart of it:

Selfishness is any pattern that puts your comfort above connection—consistently and without care.
It can come from old wounds, past betrayals, or a childhood where your needs were never met, so now you guard them like treasure.

In psychology, this can manifest as:

• Avoidant attachment – when closeness feels threatening
• Emotional immaturity – when you haven’t yet learned how to share emotional space
• Learned self-protection – where you shut down or withdraw because it feels safer than being open

But—and this is key—selfishness is not a permanent identity.
It’s a habit. A pattern. And patterns can be changed.

Selfishness narrows the view to just “me.”
Love expands the view to “us.”

That doesn’t mean you stop needing things. It means you learn how to hold your needs without dropping your partner’s.

You’re not broken if you’ve started to wonder whether you’ve been showing up in love with more self-focus than shared focus. You’re awakening. And that’s the first sign of change.

How to Know If You’re Being Selfish (Without Beating Yourself Up)

Self-awareness is the birthplace of change—but only when it’s paired with compassion. This isn’t about asking, “Am I a bad partner?” It’s about asking, “Am I making space for someone else’s experience—or just filling the room with mine?”

Here are some signs you might be slipping into self-centered habits, even if unintentionally:

1. You dismiss their feelings—especially when they don’t make sense to you.

You may think you’re being “rational,” but your partner experiences it as emotional rejection.

Ask yourself:

Do I try to understand their emotions—or just explain why they shouldn’t feel that way?

2. You expect support, praise, or patience—but struggle to give it back.

You may feel entitled to love without realizing it requires effort, not just intention.

Ask yourself:

When was the last time I checked in on their needs before talking about mine?

3. You shut down when they bring up conflict—because it’s too uncomfortable.

Avoiding hard conversations may feel like self-preservation, but to your partner, it feels like emotional abandonment.

Ask yourself:

Do I avoid discomfort even when the relationship needs repair?

4. You only give when it’s easy, convenient, or benefits you.

Love becomes transactional—offered more as a tool for validation than true connection.

Ask yourself:

Do I give with openness, or only when I’m in control of the outcome?

5. You’re more invested in being “right” than being connected.

If winning the argument matters more than understanding each other, connection breaks down.

Ask yourself:

Am I trying to prove something—or trying to hear them?

Remember: having selfish moments doesn’t make you a selfish person. What matters is whether you stay there—or use those moments as signals to grow.

You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be honest. Because relationships don’t fall apart from conflict alone.
They fall apart when one or both partners stop trying to see beyond themselves.

Why We Become Selfish in Relationships (Even When We Love Deeply)

Here’s the paradox: You can truly love someone—and still act selfishly toward them. Not because you’re heartless. But because you’re human. And humans protect what feels vulnerable. Even if it costs them closeness.

So, why do we become selfish in relationships?

1. Because we’re wired to protect ourselves first.

Our brain is built for survival. Emotional pain—like rejection, disappointment, or abandonment—registers as a threat.
So we shield ourselves with walls:

• Talking over someone so we don’t feel small
• Withdrawing so we don’t feel exposed
• Making everything about our feelings, so we don’t have to deal with theirs

It’s not evil. It’s instinct. But instincts can be retrained—when we realize connection is worth the risk.

2. Because of how we were loved (or not loved) growing up.

If you grew up in a home where your emotions were ignored or punished, you may have learned to fend for yourself emotionally.
Or, if you were overprotected or praised constantly, you may have learned to expect relationships to revolve around your needs.

Both extremes can lead to adult relationships where empathy feels unnatural—or where self-focus is simply a habit.

Selfishness often begins as self-protection. But left unchecked, it becomes a prison. It isolates you from the very intimacy you crave.

3. Because past pain makes present love feel unsafe.

People who’ve been betrayed, ghosted, or manipulated may act guarded or detached. They don’t mean to hurt others—they’re just afraid of being hurt again.

This kind of selfishness often sounds like:

• “I’m not ready to open up yet.”
• “I don’t do feelings.”
• “I need space” (but never return with softness)

Loving deeply requires vulnerability—and vulnerability is terrifying if you’ve ever been punished for it.

4. Because we fear losing ourselves in love.

Some people don’t want to be selfish—they’re just afraid that being too generous will mean giving up their identity.
So they hold back. They don’t compromise. They avoid emotional intimacy under the guise of “independence.”

But the truth is, real connection doesn’t erase you. It expands you. When it’s healthy, love doesn’t ask you to shrink. It asks you to share.

Remember, behind most selfishness is not malice—but misunderstanding, fear, and unhealed wounds. Recognizing this is the first act of compassion. Acting on it is the first act of growth.

How to Stop Being Selfish—Step by Step

You can’t flip a switch and become selfless overnight. But you can become more aware, more responsive, and more loving in the way you show up.
It’s not about being a “perfect partner”—it’s about learning to be a present one.

Here’s how to begin:

STEP 1. Understand Why You are Selfish.

You can’t change a pattern you don’t understand.
Selfishness doesn’t just appear—it develops. It’s shaped by your history, your fears, your unmet needs, and even your definition of love.

Before you try to fix how you act, you need to gently ask: “Where is this coming from?”

Let’s break that down:

a. Is it about control?

Do you feel the need to steer every conversation, make all the decisions, or dismiss ideas that aren’t your own? That might point to a deeper fear of vulnerability. When things feel uncertain, control becomes your shield. You’re not trying to dominate—you’re trying to stay safe.

b. Is it about protection?

Maybe you push people away emotionally, or keep love at a distance. That’s not because you don’t care. It’s because caring feels dangerous. Somewhere along the line, closeness may have meant pain, disappointment, or abandonment.

So now, your inner self says:

“Stay distant. Stay safe.”

c. Is it about how you were raised?

Did you grow up in a home where:

• Your needs always came last? You might now overcorrect and put yourself first, always.
• You were overly praised or never challenged? You may expect love without effort.
• Love came with conditions? You might now fear giving without return.

Our childhood teaches us how to relate—or protect ourselves from relating.

d. Is it about not knowing any different?

If no one ever modeled healthy emotional sharing, compromise, or empathy, how would you know what it looks like?
You may not be trying to be selfish. You may just be copying what felt normal.

The good news? You don’t have to stay there. Awareness is your invitation to grow.

Research on attachment theory shows that avoidant or anxious attachment styles can lead to relationship patterns that look selfish—but are actually survival strategies (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). Knowing your attachment style can reveal a lot about your relationship habits.

Try this journal prompt:

“What moments in my past made me believe I had to protect myself—even in love?”
“What feels scarier to me: being ignored, or being too close?”

Step 2: Start Noticing the Impact of Your Behavior

Understanding why you’re selfish is a breakthrough. But awareness isn’t the end—it’s the beginning. The next step is asking:

“How is my behavior affecting the person I love?”

Because even when your intentions feel innocent—your actions can still hurt.

a. Selfishness doesn’t always scream—it drains.

You may not be yelling or controlling.
But maybe:

• Your partner feels invisible during your monologues
• You cancel plans when they don’t suit you
• You shut down every time emotions rise

You’re not “doing something bad,” but your partner feels unmet, unseen, unchosen. Love is not just what you feel—it’s how you make the other person feel.

b. Switch from intention to impact

You might say:

• “I didn’t mean to hurt them.”
• “I was just being honest.”
• “They’re too sensitive.”

But here’s a truth most of us resist:

What matters most isn’t what you meant—it’s what they experienced.

When you shift your focus from how you felt doing it to how they felt receiving it, growth begins.

c. Start asking better questions:

Instead of:

• “Did I win the argument?”
• “Did I get what I needed?”

Try asking:

• “Did my words make them feel safe or small?”
• “Did I contribute to connection or create distance?”
• “If I were them, how would I feel right now?”

These are hard questions—but they soften your presence.

Quick exercise: The Mirror Test

At the end of the day, ask yourself:

“If someone treated me the way I treated my partner today, how would I feel?”

If the answer is “unseen,” “dismissed,” or “exhausted,” then that’s a red flag. Not for punishment. But for pause and repair. Because People don’t always remember what you said. They remember how you made them feel. When you care about that, you’re no longer walking the selfish path.

Step 3: Learn the Difference Between Needs and Entitlement

In relationships, it’s normal—and healthy—to have needs.
Wanting love, respect, space, or understanding isn’t selfish. It’s human.

But there’s a subtle line between:

• Expressing needs openly and respectfully
  and
• Expecting needs to be met without compromise (entitlement).

a. What are needs?

Needs are the emotional essentials that sustain your well-being and connection:

• Feeling heard when you speak
• Having time alone to recharge
• Experiencing affection and support
• Knowing your partner respects your boundaries

Needs come with vulnerability—because you’re asking someone else to meet you halfway.

b. What is entitlement?

Entitlement is a mindset that says:

“I deserve this, no matter what.”
It’s less about mutual care, more about taking what feels good for you—even if it costs the relationship.

Entitlement looks like:

• Demanding attention when your partner needs rest
• Ignoring their feelings because yours are “more important”
• Refusing to negotiate or compromise

It says, “My comfort comes first, always.”

c. How to tell the difference?

Ask yourself:

“Am I asking with respect and openness?”
“Or am I expecting as a right?”
“Am I willing to listen and adjust?”

Needs invite dialogue. Entitlement shuts it down.

Why this matters: Mistaking entitlement for needs can cause unnecessary guilt and push your partner away.
Confusing needs with selfishness keeps you stuck in fear—either fearing you’re “too much” or that you won’t get enough.

Learning the difference frees you to:

• Ask for what you truly need
• Receive with gratitude
• Give without resentment

Step 4: Communicate Your Needs Without Overpowering

Expressing what you need is vital. But how you say it can either open the door to closeness—or slam it shut.

Here’s how to share your needs without slipping into selfishness:

a. Use “I” statements, not “You” accusations

Instead of:

“You never listen to me.”

Try:

“I feel unheard when I don’t get a chance to share my thoughts.”

This keeps the focus on your feelings, not blaming your partner.

b. Listen as much as you speak

Communication is a two-way street. When you share, invite your partner’s perspective—and really listen. Even if you disagree, acknowledge their feelings.

c. Ask for what you want clearly and calmly

Be direct, but gentle. Avoid vague hints or demands.
For example:

“I’d love if we could spend more time together this week.”

Clear requests reduce misunderstandings.

d. Practice compromise

Remember, your needs matter—but so do theirs. Look for solutions that work for both, not just you.

e. Check your tone and body language

Sometimes what you say isn’t as powerful as how you say it. Soft eyes, calm voice, and open posture invite connection. Communicating well isn’t about winning. It’s about building trust and understanding—one honest conversation at a time.

Step 5: Cultivate Empathy to Replace Selfishness

Empathy is the antidote to selfishness. It’s the ability to feel with your partner, to see the world through their eyes—even when it’s uncomfortable.

a. Put yourself in their shoes

Try to imagine their emotions, struggles, and desires.
Ask:

“What might they be feeling right now?”
“Why would this situation be hard for them?”

This mindset softens judgment and opens your heart.

b. Listen to understand, not to respond

When your partner speaks, listen fully—without planning your reply or defense. Focus on their emotions and needs beneath the words.

c. Validate their feelings—even if you don’t agree

You don’t have to agree to show you care.
Say things like:

“I can see why you’d feel that way.”
“That sounds really tough.”

Validation builds safety and trust.

d. Practice small daily acts of kindness and awareness

Empathy grows with consistent practice—like:

• Checking in: “How are you feeling today?”
• Remembering important details they share
• Offering help without being asked

These simple habits nurture connection and reduce selfish tendencies.

Step 6: Repair and Grow Together When You Slip Up

No one is perfect. Even with the best intentions, selfish behaviors will slip through. What matters most is how you respond:

a. Own your mistakes honestly

Say:

“I messed up, and I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Ownership builds trust, even when it feels uncomfortable.

b. Ask how to make it right

Instead of guessing, ask:

“What can I do to fix this?”
“How can I support you now?”

This shows respect and willingness to repair.

c. Reflect and learn

Use conflicts as opportunities to understand yourself and your partner better.
Ask:

“What triggered me?”
“What can I do differently next time?”

Growth happens when you stay curious, not defensive.

d. Forgive yourself—and each other

Selfishness is a habit, not a character flaw. Forgiveness creates space for change and deeper love.

The Two Faces of Selfishness: Not All Selfishness is the Same

Let’s be honest—“selfish” is a heavy word. It’s often whispered in blame or shouted in frustration. But what if we looked closer? Not all selfishness is the same.

Some selfishness hurts on purpose.

This is the kind that:

• Manipulates
• Controls
• Dismisses others to feel superior
• Uses love as a tool, not a gift

It’s rooted in ego, often unchecked, and leaves damage in its path. This kind needs boundaries—and sometimes distance.

But some selfishness comes from fear, love, or past pain.

It can look like:

• Clinging too tightly because you’re scared to lose them
• Shutting down because closeness feels unsafe
• Prioritizing your needs because you never learned another way
• Wanting love so badly, you forget to give it back

This kind isn’t rooted in cruelty—it’s rooted in wounds. And wounds can heal.

Sometimes, we act selfishly because we care too much.
Other times, we act selfishly because we’re afraid to care at all.

The key is learning the difference—in yourself and in your partner. And then choosing, every day, to show up not from fear, but from love. Whether you’re the one acting selfishly, or the one being affected by it, know this:

You’re not broken.
You’re learning.
And real love—honest, messy, human love—makes space for that learning.

Final Thoughts: Selfishness Isn’t the End—It’s a Beginning

If you’ve made it this far, you’re already doing something most don’t:
You’re reflecting. You’re owning. You’re willing to change.

That’s not selfish.
That’s brave.

Relationships don’t need perfection. They need presence.
They need people who are willing to ask:

“How can I love better?”
“How can we grow together, not apart?”

You’re not alone if you’ve acted selfishly.
You’re not broken if you’ve been hurt by it.
You’re human.

And the good news?
Selfishness isn’t a life sentence—it’s a starting point.
When you choose awareness, accountability, and empathy, you rewrite the story.

So, take a deep breath.
This isn’t about being flawless. It’s about being honest.
And from that honesty, something new—something healing—can grow.

We hope this article has been helpful in terms of getting a better understanding of how selfishness plays into relationships. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them below. Happy reading!

References

• 6 Ways To Deal With Selfish People
• How to Stop Being Selfish: 7 Tips
• Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.
  🔗 Link to paper (via APA PsycNet)

Let’s boost your self-growth with Believe in Mind.

Interested in self-reflection tips, learning hacks, and knowing ways to calm down your mind? We offer you the best content which you have been looking for.

Join Our Newsletter

Δ

Contact

Subscribe