The phrase “good vibes only” has become a mantra of positivity in our culture. However, there is a fine line between encouraging positive emotions and dismissing negative ones. When pushed to the extreme, an unrelenting focus on positivity can enable gaslighting and harm mental wellbeing.
The introduction of “good vibes only” culture has roots in the self-help and New Age movements of the 1970s and 1980s. The emphasis on positive thinking and moods gained mainstream traction through social media, where curated, “highlight reel” posts promote an image of constant happiness.
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While optimism and joy are valuable, they are not the only valid human emotions. Sadness, anger and other “negative” feelings serve important purposes, from motivating change to teaching us empathy. Trying to banish these emotions risks damaging self-awareness and relationships.
When a person’s negative feelings are dismissed as “bad vibes,” it can make them feel unjustly blamed and undermine their sense of reality. This form of gaslighting, intentional or not, has real psychological consequences like anxiety and depression.
In summary, positivity has its place but should not come at the expense of honesty, vulnerability and emotional balance. The next time someone tells you “no bad vibes,” remember that it’s ok to feel what you feel and share it responsibly. Your whole emotional range makes you human.
Definitions of Toxic Positivity Gaslighting
Toxic positivity refers to the relentless focus on positive thinking that dismisses negative emotions. Gaslighting involves making people doubt their own perceptions to manipulate them. These concepts intersect when toxic positivity results in gaslighting.
When someone’s negative emotions are dismissed as “bad vibes” due to an overly positive attitude, it can make them feel unjustly blamed and question their own perceptions. This undermines their sense of reality and self-awareness, which are hallmarks of gaslighting.
Addressing toxic positivity and potential gaslighting is important for personal development. Negative emotions serve purposes like motivating change and teaching empathy. Suppressing them risks damaging emotional balance and honesty. By allowing all emotions, including negative ones, we gain self-awareness and strengthen relationships.
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Why Toxic Positivity Is Gaslighting and Invalidates Your Feelings
When people dismiss your negative emotions by insisting you stay positive, it can feel incredibly invalidating. Your feelings are real and deserve to be acknowledged, not brushed off as “bad vibes.” Toxic positivity gaslights you by implying there’s something wrong with you for experiencing negative emotions. It suggests you need to change your attitude instead of accepting your feelings as a natural part of the human experience.
This notion that you should always be happy and upbeat goes against basic emotional intelligence. All emotions serve purposes and teach us about ourselves. Suppressing certain feelings risks damaging self-awareness and relationships built on honesty.
If someone responds to your negative emotions with toxic positivity, resist the urge to internalize the blame. Your feelings are valid. However you do choose to express them, do so in a way that feels authentic and healthy for you.
Remember, you don’t have to stay positive all the time to be a worthwhile person. Your entire emotional range—the good, the bad and the ugly—makes you human. Any culture that dismisses part of the human experience in the name of positivity is ultimately reductive and flawed.
How Toxic Positivity Gaslights Real Emotions
Toxic positivity that dismisses negative emotions can gaslight people in relationships, workplaces and personal interactions. In relationships, one partner insisting the other “just be happy” or “think positively” can undermine their feelings and needs. At work, managers who only accept upbeat attitudes risk invalidating employees’ stressors and concerns. And among friends, insisting someone has a “good attitude” disregards the realities causing their negative emotions.
Toxic positivity gaslights by implying:
- Negative emotions are wrong and should be fixed by “thinking positively.”
- The reality a person describes with negative emotions must be false if they were “really positive.” There is something flawed about a person who experiences negative feelings.
This denies the legitimacy of another’s emotions and perceptions. It suggests their reality does not match up to an overly positive view of how things “should be.” Toxic positivity thus chips away at trust within relationships, creating distance and resentment.
To avoid gaslighting others, accept that negative emotions are a natural part of the human experience. Listen with empathy to understand the realities causing them. Offer support that meets the person where they are without insisting they ignore or change their feelings to match your perspective. All emotions deserve acknowledgement and compassion.
Common Scenarios Where Toxic Positivity Gaslighting Occurs
Toxic positivity and gaslighting can happen in many everyday situations. Here are some common scenarios:
- A partner experiences a setback or loss, but you insist “everything happens for a reason” or “things will work out.” This dismisses their negative feelings as unfounded and suggests they’re not seeing the bigger picture.
- An employee confides in their manager about work-related stress, but their manager responds with platitudes like “keep a positive attitude” or “don’t sweat the small stuff.” This invalidates the reality of the employee’s difficulties and signals they shouldn’t express negative emotions at work.
- A friend goes through a breakup or hardship but you tell them to “look on the bright side” or “think positively.” This glosses over their legitimate distress and implies they’re not handling the situation in the “right” way.
- A family member shares a worry or complaint, but you immediately try to reassure them with optimistic statements. This disregards their feelings and experiences instead of acknowledging them with compassion.
In each case, toxic positivity gaslights by suggesting the other person’s negative emotions are unwarranted or shouldn’t exist. A more empathetic response involves active listening, validating their feelings, and offering support that meets them where they are emotionally.
Examples of Toxic Positivity in Gaslighting Statements
Here are some examples of toxic positivity-gaslighting statements to avoid
- “Cheer up!” This dismisses a person’s negative emotions and implies they should force themselves to be happy regardless of circumstances.
- “Don’t worry, everything will work itself out.” While well-intentioned, this blanket reassurance glosses over someone’s real concerns and suggests their worries are unfounded.
- “Look on the bright side!” Telling someone to only see the positive side of a difficult situation invalidates the legitimacy of their negative feelings.
- “At least…” statements like “At least you still have your health” or “At least it could be worse.” These minimize someone’s distress by comparing it to hypothetically worse situations.
- “You just need to think more positively.” This places the blame on the person for having negative emotions, rather than acknowledging that difficulties may legitimately cause those feelings.
- Instead of these toxic positive statements, show empathy with responses like: “I’m sorry you’re going through this tough time.” “That sounds really hard and upsetting.”
- “How can I best support you right now?” “Your feelings are valid and understandable.”
By acknowledging and validating negative emotions with empathy, you avoid gaslighting and help the other person feel heard and supported through difficulties.
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The Impact of Toxic Positivity in Gaslighting
When someone experiences toxic positivity gaslighting, it can have negative impacts on their mental health and wellbeing.
- Increased distress. When emotions are invalidated, it can intensify a person’s distress and make them feel misunderstood or alone in their struggles.
- Lowered self-esteem. When positive emotions are enforced and negative emotions are dismissed, it can make the person feel like there is something “wrong” with them for experiencing distress. This can lower their self-worth.
- Difficulty expressing emotions. Over time, toxic positivity gaslighting can teach the person that sharing negative emotions will only be met with dismissal. This can make them reticent to share emotions openly in the future.
- Damage to relationships. Toxic positivity gaslighting erodes trust within relationships and makes the person feel like the other party does not truly understand or care about their experiences. This can cause relationship strain.
- Increased isolation. When negative emotions are constantly dismissed, the person may stop turning to that source for support. This can leave them without adequate outlets and make them feel isolated in their distress.
To avoid these impacts, it’s important to recognize and avoid toxic positivity and gaslighting. Showing empathy, validating emotions, and offering support that meets the person where they are emotionally can help them feel heard and prevent damage to their mental wellbeing and relationships.
long-term consequences of experiencing toxic positivity and gaslighting
Over the long term, experiencing toxic positivity gaslighting on a regular basis can lead to more serious mental health issues and relationship problems.
- Depression and anxiety: When negative emotions are constantly dismissed, it fails to provide the emotional relief that expressing and being validated by those emotions provides. Over time, this suppressed distress can build up and increase the risk of depression and anxiety disorders.
- Loss of self-confidence: Constantly being told one should feel positive when they don’t can chip away at self-confidence and self-worth. This long-term effect of toxic positivity gaslighting can leave people feeling inadequate.
- Deterioration of relationships: Relationships that involve toxic positivity and gaslighting often worsen over time as trust erodes. The person may withdraw emotionally, leading to communication breakdowns and relationship dissatisfaction.
- Social isolation: As relationships strain, the person may withdraw from socializing in general to avoid toxic positivity and gaslighting. This social isolation only exacerbates mental health issues.
The key to avoiding these long-term consequences is recognizing and putting a stop to toxic positivity and gaslighting. Having open, honest conversations with friends and loved ones about the importance of empathy and emotion validation can help set boundaries to prevent long-term harm. Seeking support from unbiased sources, therapy, and online communities can also provide relief from the impacts of toxic positivity and gaslighting. With effort, the negative effects of this behavior can be reduced, and relationships can begin to heal through open, honest communication.
How it undermines self-esteem and self-trust
When people experience toxic positivity gaslighting on a regular basis, it can seriously undermine their self-esteem and self-trust. They begin to doubt their own feelings and perceptions. This lack of validation for negative emotions leaves them feeling like there must be something “wrong” with them for not having a more positive outlook.
Over time, this constant dismissal of feelings and experiences chips away at a person’s confidence in their own judgment and intuition. They start to believe that if others think they should feel differently, there must be something wrong with how they truly feel. This loss of self-trust makes it difficult for the person to advocate for their own needs and set healthy boundaries.
Without validation for the full spectrum of human emotions, from positive to negative, individuals exposed to toxic positivity gaslighting start to lose faith in themselves. They feel like an “emotional burden” for having negative feelings at all and become reluctant to share what they’re truly going through.
The key to combating these harmful effects is for the person to reaffirm their own experiences and emotions as valid. Engaging in self-care, seeking support from unbiased listeners, and practicing mindfulness can help rebuild self-esteem and self-trust that were lost due to toxic positivity gaslighting. With time and effort, one can regain confidence in their feelings and judgments, despite the dismissive attitudes of others
References
- All About Toxic Positivity: Definition, Health Effects, and How to Respond By Emily P.G. Erickson on May 12, 2023
- Toxic positivity leads to gaslighting by Anja Kersten, For A Magic World
- ‘Good Vibes Only’: People With Mental Health Struggles Aren’t Disposable by Sam Dylan Finch May 8, 2023
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