You’re just going about your day when someone says or does something that totally sets you off. Bam! You’re triggered. Your buttons are pushed, your blood pressure skyrockets, and your fight or fight response kicks into overdrive. What gives? Was it on purpose? Maybe they were trying to get under your skin. Well, before you fly off the handle, take a deep breath.
There are ways to handle triggers and not let others press those buttons. First, figure out what bothers you and why. Self- awareness helps. Then, see if you can remove yourself from the situation for a breather. Finally, try talking it out calmly if you can. You’ve got this. Triggers don’t have to lead to explosions. Here are some pro tips for handling hot buttons.
Table of Contents
What Does It Mean to Be “Triggered”?
Being “triggered” means that something has caused an intense emotional reaction in you that brings up painful memories or past trauma. When this happens, you may feel upset, anxious, or defensive. Triggers are often associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but anyone can experience triggering events.
Common Triggers; Triggers can come in many forms:
- Words, phrases, or gestures that remind you of a painful experience. For example, a verbal cue like “you’re worthless” may trigger memories of emotional abuse.
- Smells, sounds, or physical sensations that bring up distressing recollections. The smell of alcohol might trigger someone with a history of living with an alcoholic relative.
- Dates, locations, or situations reminiscent of a traumatic event. Going to the doctor’s office may trigger anxiety in someone who had a painful medical procedure in the past.
- Feeling a loss of control or choice in a situation. Having decisions made for you without your input can be triggering for those who have lived through abusive or coercive relationships.
What You Can Do; When you feel triggered, the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Some strategies include:
- Remove yourself from the triggering situation if possible. Take space until you feel calm.
- Practice deep breathing and grounding exercises. Focusing on your breath can help reduce anxiety and bring you back to the present moment.
- Challenge negative thoughts. Try to identify irrational thoughts about the trigger and replace them with more balanced ones.
- Connect with others. Call a trusted friend or family member. Let them know you’re feeling triggered and could use some support.
- Engage in self-care. Do something soothing, like taking a bath, reading a book, or exercising. Be gentle with yourself until the intensity of the triggered feeling passes.
With awareness and practice, triggers can become less painful and easier to manage over time. But if you continue to struggle, consider speaking to a therapist. They can help you process trauma, give you tools for coping with triggers, and find greater peace and freedom from painful memories.
Why do people try to trigger you on purpose?
They Feel Powerless: Some people deliberately try to trigger others because they feel powerless in their own lives. Pushing your buttons gives them a sense of control and authority over you, even if it’s just for a moment. They may be unhappy or insecure, so making you upset makes them feel better by comparison. The healthiest thing you can do is not give them that power over you. Stay calm, and remember that their behavior says more about them than it does about you.
They’re Looking for a Reaction: Certain individuals get enjoyment out of eliciting emotional reactions from others. Your anger, frustration, or hurt feed into their need for drama and chaos. The best way to handle these trigger-happy people is to not give them what they want. Respond in a neutral, detached manner without showing much emotion. Say something like “I see you feel that way’ or just walk away from the interaction. Starve them of the reaction they crave.
They Feel Jealous or Threatened: Sometimes people deliberately provoke others because they feel jealous or threatened in some way. Your happiness, success, or confidence triggers their insecurities, so they try to bring you down to their level. Again, the healthiest approach is not to engage or make their feelings your problem. You can say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and remove yourself from the situation. Do not let their issues undermine your own wellbeing or accomplishments.
The motivations behind someone deliberately triggering you often say more about them than about you. Staying calm and detached, not giving them power over your emotions, and not making their problems your own are the best ways to handle these types of situations. Do not let trigger-happy people provoke you into becoming someone you are not.
They’re Trying to Get a Reaction Out of You
When someone deliberately tries to provoke you, the best thing you can do is not give them the satisfaction of a reaction. Easier said than done, I know. But with practice, you can get better at staying calm and clear-headed, even when others are trying to trigger you.
Don’t take the bait. Recognize their tactics for what they are—an attempt to get you riled up and irrational. Do not engage or argue. Do not insult them back. Respond with a simple “okay” or say nothing at all. Walk away if you’re able to. The less you react, the less power you give them over you.
Stay composed. Take a few deep breaths to avoid getting worked up. Count to 10 if you feel your anger rising. The angrier you get, the more control over the situation you lose. Respond in a measured, even tone. Do not yell, scream or threaten them, no matter the provocation. Staying composed and in control is key.
Set clear boundaries. If the person triggering you is someone you have regular contact with, you need to establish that their behavior is unacceptable. Say something like, “I will not engage with you when you provoke and insult me like this.” Then follow through-end the interaction if they continue to be antagonistic. Be consistent with consequences each time they cross the line. They will either learn to be more respectful, or self-select out of your life.
Focus on the big picture. Remember that this person’s opinion is not important in the grand scheme of things. Do not let their words diminish your self-worth or confidence. Their goal is to make you feel bad, so do not give them that power. Stay focused on what really matters to you rather than wasting time and energy on their nonsense.
With practice, staying unreactive in the face of provocation can become second nature. You will get better at not taking the bait, keeping your cool, setting boundaries and maintaining a balanced perspective. And the less you empower those who wish to trigger you, the less they will bother to even try. Stay strong and stay focused on surrounding yourself with people who treat you with kindness and respect.
When Someone Triggers You on Purpose
When someone deliberately provokes you, it’s normal to feel upset or angry. But don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you lose control. Stay calm and remember, their behavior says more about them than it does about you.
Don’t engage. The healthiest thing you can do is not engage with their toxicity. Walk away if you’re able to, and avoid arguing or explaining yourself. Respond with empathy and compassion instead of aggression. Say something like “I understand you may be upset, but hurtful behavior is unacceptable.” Make it clear their actions are inappropriate, then remove yourself from the situation.
Stay calm. Take a few deep breaths to help yourself remain calm and centered. Do not insult or attack them in return. Respond in a composed, respectful manner. Getting worked up will only make you feel worse later and escalate the conflict.
Set boundaries. Be direct by telling them their behavior is hurtful and needs to stop. You may say “Please speak to me with kindness and respect.” If they continue to provoke you after that, limit contact with them when possible. You do not deserve to be treated this way.
Focus on you. Do not let their cruelty define you. Their insults say more about their own pain and inadequacies than they do about your worthiness. You know your own truth. Do something kind for yourself, like exercising, meditating, or journaling. Connecting with supportive loved ones can also help lift your mood and self-esteem.
The healthiest way to deal with purposeful provocation is by not engaging, remaining calm, setting clear boundaries and taking care of yourself. Do not let anyone else’s toxicity make you question your own worth. Respond with empathy and compassion, then remove yourself from their presence as soon as you’re able.
Recognizing Your Personal Triggers
To overcome triggers, you first need to identify them. Think about interactions or situations that cause intense negative emotions for you. Do certain comments, tones of voice, or behaviors provoke feelings of anger, fear, or inadequacy? These are likely your triggers.
Once you’ve pinpointed a few triggers, look for the underlying reasons they affect you so strongly. Maybe a critical comment triggers feelings of never being good enough due to past experiences with a judgmental parent or partner. Or an aggressive tone triggers a fear of confrontation developed from growing up in an unstable environment.
Recognizing triggers and their root causes is empowering because it allows you to anticipate and prepare for them. When triggered, you can then remind yourself that the current situation is different and that you have the ability to stay in control of your reactions.
Some other tips for managing triggers include:
- Stay calm and composed. Take deep breaths to avoid escalating the situation. Respond in a courteous, respectful tone.
- Establish boundaries. Politely but firmly tell the person their comment or behavior is unacceptable if you feel disrespected. You do not deserve to be treated that way.
- Do not engage or argue. Do not try to reason with someone who is deliberately trying to provoke you. Remove yourself from the interaction if possible.
- Focus on the current facts. Do not get distracted by past hurts or wories about the future. Evaluate the actual words or actions that triggered you and respond based on the present moment.
- Affirm your own self-worth. Do not let others’ cruelty or judgment diminish your confidence in yourself. Their opinions say more about them than about you.
- Seek support. Talk to people who love and support you. Let them remind you of your strengths and accomplishments to help neutralize the negative impact of the trigger.
With practice, triggers lose their power over time. But by understanding them and having strategies to stay in control of your reactions, you can avoid letting others manipulate your emotions. Stay strong in yourself!
Stay Calm and Pause Before Reacting
When someone is intentionally trying to provoke you, the worst thing you can do is give them what they want a reaction. Take a deep breath and remain composed. Do not engage or argue. Respond in a measured, thoughtful way.
This is easier said than done, of course. In the moment, you’ll likely feel infuriated, offended or upset. Before doing anything, pause. Count to 10 slowly. Remove yourself from the situation until you’ve calmed down if possible. The seconds you spend collecting yourself will save you from acting rashly in a way you may later regret.
Do not let their actions influence your behavior. Do not give them power over you or your emotions. Your reaction is the only thing you can control in that moment. Choose to remain in control of yourself. Do not give them the satisfaction of becoming aggravated or upset.
Once you’ve paused to gain perspective, you may realize their intentions say more about them than you. Perhaps this person is jealous, insecure, or troubled in some way. Try to approach them with empathy and compassion instead of hostility. You do not know what struggles they may be facing to cause them to act out in this manner.
If the interaction continues and you feel you’re in danger, get away to a safe place as quickly as possible. You do not owe them an explanation. Seek help from the authorities if you feel you are in danger. Your safety is the top priority here.
Do not engage in hostility or aggression in return. Remain dignified and take the high road. Reacting to aggression with aggression will likely only escalate the conflict and reflect poorly on you. You cannot control others; you can only control your own reaction. Choose peace.
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Express Your Feelings Assertively
When someone deliberately triggers you, don’t bottle up your feelings or lash out in anger. Instead, communicate assertively by using “I” statements to express how their behavior makes you feel without attacking them. For example, you might say:
- “I feel frustrated when you constantly question my decisions.”
- “Your hurtful comments make me feel disrespected.”
Speaking up in a respectful way can help diffuse the situation and discourage the behavior from continuing. At the same time, try to remain calm and composed. Raising your voice or insulting the other person will likely only make things worse.
You might also set clear boundaries by stating what is and isn’t acceptable to you. For example:
“Please speak to me politely. I won’t engage further if you continue using an aggressive tone.” Be prepared to walk away from the interaction if the behavior persists. Removing yourself from a triggering situation is often the healthiest choice.
It can also help to not take the bait when someone is trying to provoke you. Do not get defensive or make excuses. Respond neutrally without showing strong emotions. For example, say “I see” or don’t say anything at all. Do not feel obligated to explain or justify yourself to someone who is deliberately pushing your buttons.
You might find it useful to anticipate potential triggers and plan constructive ways of responding in: advance. The more you practice, the better you will get at staying calm and composed during emotionally-charged interactions. Do small things each day to build your resilience and confidence in handling difficult people and circumstances.
The bottom line is that you cannot control how others act; you can only control your reaction. Choose to respond in a balanced, confident way that aligns with your values. Do not give anyone else power over your emotional state. Stay focused on surrounding yourself with people who treat you well and support your growth.
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Finding Compassion for the Other Person
When someone deliberately triggers you, it’s normal to feel angry, hurt or defensive. However, reacting aggressively will likely only make the situation worse. Instead, try finding compassion for the other person. Why are they acting this way? There are usually reasons behind hurtful behavior that have nothing to do with you.
Maybe this person is deeply unhappy or insecure within themselves. Perhaps they feel powerless in some area of their lives and are trying to regain a sense of control by manipulating others. They could have unresolved trauma or pain from their past that causes them to lash out at others now.
None of these explanations excuse cruel behavior, but understanding the root cause can help you respond with empathy instead of hostility. Try to see the vulnerable human behind the antagonistic facade. Say to yourself, “This person must be in a lot of pain to act this way.” Recognizing their suffering can defuse your own anger and reframe the interaction in a more constructive way.
Don’t engage or argue. Remain detached from their attempts to upset you. Calmly tell them their behavior is unacceptable, then remove yourself from the situation. You might say something like, “There’s no need for insults. Let’s continue this discussion when we’ve both cooled off.” Walk away knowing you took the high road.
Their actions say much more about them than they do about you. Do not internalize their toxicity or let them control how you feel about yourself. You know your own truth. With compassion and distance, their power to trigger you will fade over time as you build resilience and self-confidence from within.
Though it can be difficult, finding compassion for the other person is one of the healthiest ways to respond in triggering situations. Stay centered in your own self-worth, set clear boundaries, and do not engage in hostility. Meet unkindness with empathy and patience. This approach honors your own humanity while recognizing the humanity in others, even those who act in hurtful ways. With practice, you can overcome the impulse to react aggressively and instead respond with wisdom and grace.
Don’t Take the Bait – Refocus the Conversation
When someone tries to trigger you, don’t take the bait. Instead, calmly refocus the conversation in a more constructive direction. You could say something like: “It seems we’re getting off track. Let’s return to our original topic and discuss it respectfully.”
If they continue to make personal attacks or insulting remarks, refuse to engage and repeat your request in a firm but polite manner: “I’d prefer to have a thoughtful discussion without insults. If you can’t do that, this conversation isn’t worthwhile for either of us.”
If they still won’t stop, end the conversation gracefully and disengage completely: “I don’t think we’ll be able to resolve this right now. Let’s table this discussion and revisit it another time when we’re both calm.”
The goal is to not let their provocations distract you from your objectives. Stay focused on constructive dialogue, reasonable solutions and mutual understanding. Don’t take the bait of arguments and heated debates – they rarely lead to positive outcomes.
By calmly refocusing the conversation in a more civil and productive direction, you maintain the high ground and demonstrate maturity, wisdom and self-control-qualities that speak louder than any insult or angry outburst.
Strategies to Respond Productively
Stay grounded in self-awareness. Notice how the person’s words or actions make you feel, without judgement. This awareness gives you space to choose a wise response instead of an impulsive reaction.
Take a breath before responding. Pause for a moment to collect your thoughts. This brief delay can keep you from saying or doing something you’ll later regret.
Respond, don’t react. Reactions are automatic and emotional Responses are thoughtful choices based on values and goals. Aim for a response that moves the discussion forward in a constructive way.
Offer understanding, not judgement. Say something like “I understand this issue feels important to you” rather than criticize the person’s viewpoint. Showing you understand their perspective, even if you disagree, softens tensions.
Focus on interests, not positions. Highlight what you both want from the interaction – understanding. resolution – rather than arguing over who’s right. Find common interests that can unite you.
End on a positive note when possible. Even if the discussion became heated, try to end by acknowledging some point of agreement or connection. This leaves the door open for a more productive interaction next time.
Final Thought
When someone intentionally triggers you, it can be a challenging and distressing experience. It’s important to remember that their behavior reflects their own issues and is not a reflection of your worth. Establishing healthy boundaries and practicing self-compassion are key steps in managing such situations. It may also be beneficial to reflect on why the trigger affects you and to seek support from trusted individuals or professionals to process your feelings and strengthen your emotional resilience.
References
- Responding Productively to Feedback Posted June 6th, 2022
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